Thursday, December 11, 2008
"Ah." The Master was thoughtful. "What would you do if I brought him back? Would you love him better? Or would you just love him because of what he could do for you?"
"I would love him unconditionally." She replied like that because the Master always emphasized that they had been born to learn unconditional love. But he laughed at her answer.
"You can love him unconditionally now. You don't need to see him. The only reason you want to see him is so you can get something from him." The Master shook his head. "I have seen you go through this more times than you remember. When you are with him it is all feverish. You become so entangled, so attached. Is it any wonder the universe should take him from you? No, you don't need him. You have me, you have God. It is enough that we love you."
Once more, though, he read her mind.
"I see that all this pain is good for you," he said. "It turns you back to your inner self. You do not have to be so emotionally needy. Close your eyes and be still." He tapped her on the head once again with his rose. "Go now. Rest."
She was shocked at the sudden dismissal. "But I am still so hurt."
"Emotions come and go - your hurt cannot last."
She stood up reluctantly. "Will I see him again?"
The Master closed his eyes briefly. "Yes."
"In this life?"
But that question he would not answer.
- Christopher Pike, The Midnight Club
- an email from him| read for the nth time
and i'm back to my life
dark and uninspired
Words just seem to jumble
i couldn't find the rhyme
everything's a black hole.
I used to pull tricks off my sleeves
but they're now sand on my hands
My world is a big mess
i can't pick up the pieces
i fall everytime i try to make a stand
i try to move forward but i always fall behind,
I used to be happy on my own
but now i never felt more alone
It's been a while
and i'm back to my life without you
i'm trying to be strong
trying to move on
i hide each tear with my smiles
laughter is the best disguise
im glad to be free
but when its only me
the lights go dim
and i'm slowly slipping
Monday, November 17, 2008
I always believed that I am the kind of person that cannot be caged. I love to be free, i hate rules, i hate monotony. I love to be random, unpredictable - spontaneous. But I also know that it’s practically impossible in this life. Or in my life at least.
My life has been governed by rules; bawal kumain ng kendi - masisira ang ngipin, bawal umabsent, bawal manood hanggang hating-gabi, bawal magtelebabad, bawal magkalat.
Up until now... bawal umalis ng hindi naglilinis ng bahay, bawal magkaboyfriend ng hindi naayon sa standards ng "Familia Zaragozza", bawal magasawa hanggat hindi nakakabili ng bahay at lupa para sa nanay, bawal ang gumimik ng walang paalam, bawal bumukod ng bahay, bawal maging makasarili.
All my life - I’ve been living for other people. I live my life to fulfill their dreams, to make them happy, to make myself what they think I should be. I am so fucking tired of living this life when all I want to be is free. (Naks parang kanta…)
If I had my way, I’ll just live in a secluded island. Perhaps with the guy my Mom warned me about. I’ll just spend each afternoon reading a book or sleeping or maybe trying to learn how to swim instead of answering calls. I wanna break free. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit parang napacomplicated ng buhay eh pwede namang maging hindi. Bakit hindi nila makita?
I wanna be selfish. Ilang beses ko na bang sinabi yan sa sarili ko. Ilang New Year’s Resolution na. This year I promise that I will love myself more. I will learn to say no more often. I will fight for myself and for what I truly believe in. Pero hindi pa rin. I still feel that a part of me is locked up in a cage.
So ano nga bang ending ng entry ko na ito… hayyy ewan ko.
Monday, August 28th, 2006
Yes, that was me 2 years ago. I was one of the many struggling call center agents who is kept awake in the wee hours of the morning by 3 mugs of coffee or so. My routine back then was go to work, sleep (in the girl's sleeping quarters), go to school, go home, sleep (in my bedroom), eat, take a bath, curse myself for being late while rushing to log on my Avaya and work again. I missed a lot of things back then because I was always sleeping. When my brother punched my cousin and my cousin's tooth got knocked out... I was sleeping. I didn't have a single idea my youngest brother was having issues at home... because I was sleeping. When my cousin won the horserace and gave out 500-peso bills, I got nothing because (guess what?) I was sleeping.
I didn't have the time and financial freedom back then and so I had no choice but to depend on my family, most especially my Grandpa who's like a five-star general in terms of the way he commands everyone to behave (straight body, stomach in-chest out, hair neatly tied up in a ponytail, no nail polish, no jewelries, no skirt, no boys, no phone calls, etc.). I wanted to be free but at the same time, I couldn't afford it. Living on my own means more expenses, no flat screen TV, no AC, no big house, no food I could steal for my midnight urges and no ice cream every Sunday. With my meager income, I was just making enough. Until he almost threw me out of the house. That's when I realize that I am responsible for my own freedom. If I rely on someone - I will never be free. If I base my happiness on others, my dreams, my expectations... I will always be locked up in an invisible cage.
Breaking free doesn't end there. Freedom also means being being responsible for your own fate, setting your own rules and believing in your principles. Freedom means blaming yourself and not other people when things don't go your way. Freedom will always come with a price. But it's a price worth fighting for. (Ay teka? Nov pa lang ba? Akala ko June 12 na - Independence day hahahaha)
This was a line I read from Tuesdays with Morrie:
The people who get on in this life are the people who look for the circumstances they want. And if they can't find them, they make them.
So ano nga bang ending ng entry ko na ito…
I now know.
I'm still not in a secluded island and not with a tanned, shirtless guy. I'm not spending each afternoon resting my ass off or trying to learn how to swim. But I have broken free and I have gained a deeper perspective on what it means. I'm no longer living at my Grandpa's house but rather in a small room with no AC and no flat screen. I pay for my expenses and more. I found the perfect job which gives me the financial and time freedom I've always wanted. I wake up anytime I want and I can go out without making an elaborate plan on how to escape.
I can do more and be more because I know at the end of the day I only have myself to thank or blame.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
***It's been almost a year pero ngayon lang ako nakakapagmove on. Ang hirap kasi lagi akong nadedepress before... iyak ng iyak. Naiinis na sa kin mga kaibigan ko dahil wala akong ibang sinabi kundi alex alex alex. Pero sa totoo lang wala na siya at hindi na siya babalik. Finally, natanggap ko na din yun and ngayon I wanna be happy again. Sana maging in a relationship na uli status ko sa friendster lol.***
Remember you told me a few days after you left that you were my greatest test?
The day I met you I was unsure of where I was. I was in a relationship that has been emotionally tiring. I have long fallen out of love. One of the reasons was because I felt that I could have so much more and that I could be treated better… loved better. But I stayed because I cared for him and I told myself I can settle while waiting for the one. But you told me that being with the wrong person not only means I am miserably with the WRONG PERSON, it also means missing out my chances in finding the right one.
You taught me that love is indeed patient and kind. The best lesson I learned with you was that of loving myself more. You taught me that I should never settle for anything less than what I deserve. You taught me people will only treat me the way I allow them to. You taught me that I should be treasured, respected and loved. You taught me that I was worth waiting, worth traveling a thousand miles and worth living sleepless nights for. Every single day that we were together, you made me feel that I was the most beautiful girl in the world that even up to now I still feel (in my own weird way) that I am.
I know that most people will never understand what happened but that’s what makes it special. It’s something that only the two of us can ever share. My friends say it was just a fling, a summer romance, a friendship that got out of hand but love is not a switch that you turn on whenever you want and turn off when things get hard. When love comes, it comes and it will stay. That’s what you told me and that was what I exactly felt. We were together for only a week but I treasure each day as if those were our last. Every cab ride, every Starbucks cup, every road and every walkway in every mall that we went to – I cherish them all. All those moments when you gently held my hand and told me that you were happy because of me, those countless times your lips curved as you struggle to speak in Tagalog, all those small coincidences that might as well be miracles where God chose to be anonymous – everything tells me that you came for a reason. And you told me that that reason was for me to learn and pass my test.
That is why on the day you called and said you were leaving; I spent my last 500 bucks on a cab ride from Antipolo to Pasay.
That is why I chose to hold on to you even when we were separated by a continent or two (not sure… not good at geography) and seven hours.
That is why I chose to cry with you while seeing but not being able to hold you during those times we’d chat for endless hours.
That is why I chose to spend my money for overseas calls and 15-peso text messages.
That is why I chose not to go out on dates and stay faithful to you.
That is why I, when you said things got busier, tried to do your part to make the relationship work.
That is why I went against my better judgment and made up a lot of reasons to justify why you suddenly changed.
That is why I kept calling you even when you no longer answer my calls.
That is why I kept sending you emails even when I know you’re no longer reading them.
That is why I kept saying goodbye but I’m still not leaving.
I chose to hold on to you because you were my greatest test and you told me before that you would do everything for me to pass it.
That is why even after a year and 8 months since we last saw each other, a year since our last conversation and 5 months since your last text message, I am still here waiting.
I am miserable and I don’t feel loved in any way.
But still you taught me my lessons well.
I just hope I realized sooner.
I’ve finally found the courage to let you go… because I realized that everything you taught me was not about you but about me after all and that my greatest test was not loving you inspite of everything.
It was putting and loving myself first despite of all.
I never, not even for once, doubted that what we felt for each other was love. Having you was more than a big ego boost. I loved myself more because you loved me. And I know that I can never go back to where I was before I became a better version of me. There’s nothing that I feel for you but love and gratitude for every wonderful moment and for every lesson I learned.
And with that I can say at last, I’ve passed my greatest test.
And I’m letting myself free, finally.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
"Do you think I have a chance at this?" She asked.
Kung ako nga namakeover, ikaw pa kaya.
The tale of the stick-thin nerd and the baston pants
I used to be one of the more popular students in class, I had lots of friends and I was almost a teacher's pet. Then things suddenly turned upside down. I got accelerated to Grade 5, my Dad died, my mom had a row with my Grade 5 teacher, I had to wear eyeglasses and acne started growing all over my face. I was depressed, demoralized and oh, so flat-chested. It didn't help that I barely knew my classmates. Me and the two others who got accelerated were sort of made into outcasts because well, they thought we didn't belong there. My classmates made fun of me ALL THE FUCK*NG TIME. At home was almost the same thing. My dad was gone and there was no one to defend me and lift my spirits up. You see, my dad has always given me an ego boost. He tells me I'm the prettiest of all (when my sister's not listening), he tells me I sing like a nightingale (even though everyone disagrees) and that he is always proud of me. When he died, I lost all that - including my self-confidence. My grades started to drop, I became insecure of my appearance and when my classmates tell me how stupid I look, I almost believed them (how stupid!).
Then came high school.
I thought things will be different.
And it did.
Only, it got a lot worse.
As if being stick-thin was not enough, I had a skin allergy back when I was in first year. Whereas my classmates called me "bangkay" (corpse), they started calling me "naaagnas na bangkay" (rotting corpse). Looking back now, it was so funny but back then I felt like not going to school anymore. I didn't have a lot of friends. I was always left out, when it was time to group the class into teams, no one wanted to take me. My classmates would deliberately hit me with crumpled papers, switch my softdrinks with one that is already a week old and so on. I was so broke, too. After our lunchtime, I would ask my classmates for their empty coke bottles and exchange them for coins at our canteen. I never had money to buy the things that I want. I only had one pants - the "baston", which everyone was fond of because I look horrible in it. My favorite shirt was a loose LA Lakers shirt which is full of holes because of ant bites (don't ask me why the hell is that) and my shoes were flat, pointed and were one size bigger. There was this one time we had to wear skirts and I opted for a mini skirt, a girl classmate of mine (let's call her Miss M) said I should NEVER IN MY LIFE WEAR A MINISKIRT AGAIN because my legs look like bamboo poles. And then a week before our school field trip, my mom in her fit of rage cut my hair very short. I was a physical and emotional wreck. I was seriously thinking about suicide. That was how miserable my life was.
During college, I decided to study at one school where I know no one of my previous classmates will go to. It was a fresh start for me. I began working parttime and things started to get better. There was even a point where I had two jobs at the same time, working as a secretary for MRT and a cashier at my uncle's restaurant. I met a very wonderful guy who kinda reminded me of my Dad. I became used to stooping and keeping my head bowed down and he always reminded me to walk straight with my chin up because he was proud of me and I should be proud of myself, too. I think, that was when I began to realize my selfworth and slowly I regained my self-confidence. I had enough money to go to a dermatologist for my face. I bought a lot of clothes and a lot more shoes. My boyfriend back then pampered me like a baby, treated me like a princess and brought me to different wonderful places. I became more comfortable with my skin, I learned different tricks, I came across Girltalk for beauty tips and so on. There are still times when I feel ugly and fat but most of the time I know I'm beautiful and I guess that's all that matters. And that I can make heads turn, occasionally. Haha.
Looking back, I guess I didn't look too fugly but I felt ugly and bad about myself that it ate through the good things until all I could think about was how ugly and how stupid and miserable I am. I guess, that's the first part of any makeover. It should start from within.
Now, I just had my hair rebonded, I regularly go to the gym, my dermatologist and malls (to shop or window shop), I try to be positive, I go out with friends, I take a lot of pictures, I eat what I want and go places and I have a blog to celebrate my beauty, este, the beauty of life pala. Hehehe. I know there's still a lot of work to do. I still have a lot to improve about myself. There are times when I hear my brothers or cousins say that I'm too fat but I just laugh it off because I know that there will always be people who will criticize you for your waistline or the way you dress or how dark your skin complexion is. But at the end of the day, there will also be that one person who I know appreciates my not-so-big boobs, my "sun-kissed" color and that little black dress I wear - I've finally learned to love myself again.
And just for old time's sake, I checked my old classmates' pictures in Friendster (those who used to make fun of me) and boy I'm so glad to know that I look a hell lot better than them. And oh, I never took your advice Miss M. I think I look fab in mini skirts. Eat your heart out! Beh!
Sunday, September 28, 2008
This is not called things n thongs for nothing.
One of the things I collect are thongs. I think it's sexy and fun and it's a must to avoid the number one fashion faux pas - VPL. That's visible pantyline fyi! But it doesn't mean I wear them, okay? Only when there's a special occasion or a special person(?) haha. Joke! I really don't wear thongs most of the time for a lot of reasons. Here are some:
- First, some thongs make me feel uncomfortable. I can't explain why it is uncomfortable. Just try wearing one and you'll know what I mean. Boys, you can try this, too : P
- Second, I like wearing skirts. And I never learned the proper way to get out of a car without exposing my nether regions.
- The first time I bought a thong (it was a very thin blue lace thong) my Mom freaked out, asking me why on earth I would even bother to cover myself with it. She spent the rest of the afternoon preaching about decency.
"Ano ka? Tinalo mo pa yung mga Japayuki sa suot mo? Para kang hindi disenteng tao! Sunugin mo yan!!!"
- During a fashion show at our college, I forgot that I was actually wearing a black thong. With a white skirt! It was too late to go back and change. And with the glaring afternoon sun and the spotlights, let's just say, I wanted to drop out the very next day. And oh, by the way, I was supposed to dress up as a college instructor in that show.
- One of my most horrifying experience was because I made a mistake of wearing a thong. It was my final interview at Siemens when all of a sudden, I felt a surge of... Anyway, to cut the story short, I had my period that day. And of course, it's like a raging river on the first day. I didn't know what to do - how do you put a feminine pad on a thong??? From that day on, I refrained from wearing thongs. I just collect them hoping that one day my period will become regular. Sorry, too much information :)
Anyway, I got these pictures from an email and I thought I would share this with you. I hope this is not pornography.
Do they have this in the market now? I want the last one!
Pressenting... the C-STRING!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Writer's note: Not everything in this story is true to life. Inspired lang po by real events and this happened back when I was in 3rd year college. Was it love? I realized now that it wasn't really. Almost. But not quite. Otherwise, I would have never let him go.
Lunes ng umaga. Hindi ako mapakali sa loob ng jeep. Parang may kulang. Meron ata akong naiwan. Chineck ko yung bag ko. Pang limang beses na nga ata e . Cellphone...check, wallet...check, id... check. Andito naman lahat. Ano nga ba yung kulang?
Ah baka psychological lang ito. Lately kasi ang dami kong iniisip; work, school, work, mga expenses, yung mga asungot sa bahay. Toot toot... may nagtext na naman sa akin. Sino kaya ito? Hay naku stalker na naman, makapagpalit na nga ng sim. Wala akong time para sa mga unidentified texters. But then again nagreply ako, "Wala na ko load eh. Pasaload mo muna ko."
Napakabusy ko ngayong week. Midterms namin eh. Sabagay hindi naman ako nagrereview pero magfeefeeling busy na din ako
Late na naman ako ng 45 minutes. Di bale sanay na naman sila sa akin. And on the positive side, grand entrance na naman ang lola nyo. Haay... bad trip naman ang hangin hangin sa jeep. Nagulo na naman tuloy ang buhok ko. Makapag ayos nga muna sa cr. Lulubuslubusin ko na para 50 minutes na kong late.
Namputsa! Asan na yung suklay ko? Nilabas ko isa-isa ang mga gamit ko. Isang notebook, mga balat ng yema na binalot sa test paper ko sa advance math, make-up kit, wallet...asan na suklay ko???
"Miss pwedeng makahiram ng suklay? Nawawala kasi yung sa akin eh."
Buti na lang mabait yung katabi ko at makapal ang mukha ko. Nakahiram ako ng suklay. Asan na kaya yung suklay ko? Kainis ha, pang pito na ata yun na binili ko. San ko ba naiwan?
"Thank you miss ha. Eto na oh."
Sabi na nga ba may naiwan ako. Hindi lang pala yun pyschological. Instinct talaga iyon. Sabi na nga ba eh. At hindi naman pala talaga ko busy. In fact buong linggo akong nakatulala tuwing break.
"Hoy! Anong iniisip mo dyan? Nagbibilang ka ba ng butiki?"
"Ah, hindi noh. May iniisip kasi ako e. At ano namang palagay mo sa school natin cheap para magkaroon ng butiki sa kisame???"
"Kasi naman ang layo ng tingin mo. Ano bang problema?"
"Wala ok lang ako."
Ok lang ako...yun yung sinasagot ko sa sarili ko buong linggo. Hanggang sa umabot ang Friday morning. Badtrip pare! Imagine 5 days akong walang suklay. 5 days akong nanghihiram kung kani-kanino. Grabe talaga. Saan ko ba naiwan yun? Habang bumibili ako ng hotcake sa McDo ay iniisip ko pa rin ang aking beloved suklay. Ano ba yan 35 pesos na pala ang hotcake. Haay!
"Miss may syrup kayo?"
"Andun sa table oh."
Sa sobrang bad trip ko yung syrup na lang ang pinagtripan ko. Bakit kaya parang malabnaw? Pero sige pa rin ako sa paglagay.Hmmm... hotcakes! Sing sarap kaya ito ng luto ni Mama? Pwe! Ang asim! Bat ganun?
Ang tanga ko talaga. Suka pala yung nailagay ko. Badtrip talaga naman oh!
"Miss, di ba sabi mo yung syrup andun sa lamesa, eh suka yun e. Pwede ba itong palitan?"
Nagtawanan pa ang mga bwisit. Napalakas ata ang reklamo ko. Pinagtinginan tuloy ako.
Lumapit yung manager. "Eh ma'am obvious namang suka yun. Iba yung lalagyan ng syrup sa suka, iba yung kulay at mapapansin nyo naman yun - ang syrup malapot."
So ako pa ang lumabas na tanga tanga? “Ok fine! Pakitapon na lang yan."
Yun lang at tumalikod na ko. Nagbubulungan pa sila. "Tsk tsk para naman yung wala sa sarili."
Oo nga… feeling ko parang wala ako sa sarili ko. This week ang bigat bigat ng pakiramdam ko. Lagi akong matamlay. Toot toot... Sino na naman ito? Hindi na naman nakaregister ang number!
"Kumusta ka na? Miss na kita ah. Yung suklay mo nga pala naiwan mo dito."
Napakunot ako...alam ko na. Oo nga pala! Doon ako huling nagpunta sa kanya at kaya pala hindi nakaregister ang number nya ay dahil sa binura ko na ang pangalan nya sa phonebook ko (at sana nga pati sa puso ko mabura na rin). Reply ako, "Ok, daanan ko na lang jan."
Eh bakit nga ba kailangang daanan ko pa? (toinks!) Eh kung bumili na lang ako ng bago? Ganun din naman, mamasahe pa ko.
Pero nung hapong din yun nagpunta ko sa kanya. Sinundo nya ko sa kanto. Parang walang nangyaring murahan at away. Humawak ako sa kamay nya.
"Kumusta ka na?"
"Eto bad hair day since Monday kasi naman nasa iyo pala yang suklay ko eh."
Tinitigan ko siya. Ang gwapo nya talaga. (kahit may mga pimples). Paano ko kaya siya makakalimutan? Isang ngiti lang nya nakakalimutan ko na yung mga atraso nya sa akin. Kahit sandali lang nakakalimutan kong pangalawa lang (lang ba?) ako sa buhay nya.
"Mahiga ka muna jan at magpahinga ka."
"Ayoko, papanoorin na lang kita jan sa ginagawa mo."
Lumapit siya sa akin. Hinawakan yung pisngi ko. Shettt! Tunaw na naman ako. Kung pwede lang sanang patigilin ang ikot ng mundo. Hinding hindi ako magsasawang tumingin sa mukha nya. Gusto kong kabisaduhin bawat linya at anggulo para naman pag naghiwalay kami... Hinalikan nya ko. Hmm... ang pinakamatamis na halik na aking natikman. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito ang epekto nya, basta pag siya, wala na ko sa katinuan.
"Hmm... tama na uuwi na ko."
"Ang aga aga pa eh. Ayaw mo na ba kong makasama?"
Kung alam mo lang kung gaano ko kasaya pag kasama kita hinding hindi mo yan sasabihin. Ikaw na nga lang ang nagpapasaya sa buhay ko eh pero ikaw lang din ang pwedeng magpaguho nito. Tuwing maghihiwalay tayo ang bigat ng hakbang ko. Laging may kulang pag wala ka. Kulang ako...
"Eh kasi may gagawin pa ko eh. Next time na lang."
Hinalikan ko sha (mabilis lang) at niyakap (yan ang matagal). Hindi mo lang alam kung gaano kita kamahal.
Hindi nya talaga alam yun at hindi nya nakita ang mga luhang unti unting pumatak.
"Magpapalit na nga pala ako ng number. Papasim swap ako. Itetext na lang kita ok?"
"Bat biglaan naman ata? Siguro hindi ka na magpapakita sa akin noh?"
"Bat naman hindi? Ikaw talaga kung ano ano ang naiisip mo. Basta magingat ka lagi ha. Yung mga pimples mo nga wag mong tinitiris nagmamarka tuloy."
"Wag mo na ngang pakialaman yan. Hayaan mo na... Mamimiss kita."
"Ako din...o siya sige aalis na ko."
Hinatid nya ko sa kanto. Bago ako sumakay ng jeep hinalikan ko uli siya.
"Sige magingat ka. Next week ha."
Pinagmasdan ko siya habang humahakbang siya palayo... bawat hakbang parang kutsilyong bumabaon sa puso ko. Hindi ko na matiis ang hindi mapaiyak. Ito na ata ang pinakamasakit na ginawa ko - ang iwan ang tanging lalaking minahal ko ng totoo. Mahirap pero ito lang ang dapat kong gawin. Minsan, may mga bagay pala na sadyang mas mahalaga kesa sa sarili natin, sa ating nararamdaman.
Ramdam ko ang pagdampi ng hangin (o mas bagay atang pollution) sa aking pisngi, dahan dahang humahalik sa aking buhok habang binabaybay ko ang kahabaan ng Espana. Tumigil na ang patak ng mga luha pero hindi ang kirot sa puso ko. Alam ko mahirap ang kalimutan siya pero...basta...
Tama na nga ang drama. Binuksan ko ang bag ko at kinuha ang suklay.
Naiwan ko na naman.
Oo nga pala, this time hindi lang suklay ang naiwan ko... pati din pala ang aking puso.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
First of all, let me warn you that this is going to be a very mushy post.
I am never a fan of Filipino movies just because I think that most Pinoy movies rely on the star factor rather than the quality of the story and the script itself. But I have to say now that I guess I was… wrong.
I guess I was just being a little crazy. Otherwise, who would have come home at 5 am from a night out, drunk and totally wasted and still have a couple of hours more to spare? Adding the fact that the same person just had her eyelash extension a few days back and is not allowed to cry?
So, let me rephrase that – I am crazy.
I watched One More Chance. Yes, that’s the Bea – John Lloyd movie. I am not a fan of Bea and most especially not that of John Lloyd. But I still watched it just for the sake of killing time.
Never did I think it would have such effect on me.
Feb 8, 2001
He was wearing a gray buttoned up shirt with a dragon print on the front. He was with a friend, standing at the front of Kawilihan Bakery in Anonas. He let out a smile and immediately walked up to me, held my hand and kissed me on the cheeks. He had the look of a schoolboy going gaga over his crush. But he wasn’t a schoolboy anymore. He was 23 years old. And I was not just a crush. I was his girlfriend who turned 16 that day.
I was at my happiest with him. Those were the days I thought and hoped would never end. We practically spent everyday together and looked forward to more. He was my first boyfriend, my best friend, my companion and jack of all trades.
But at one point, I became overwhelmed with too much love. I needed space - lots of it. I needed time – away from him. I started taking our relationship for granted and became consumed with the thoughts of “what if”.
What if he wasn’t always at my side, will I become more independent?
What if he wasn’t there to guide me, will I find my way on my own?
What if he wasn’t there to tell me what to do, will I be able to make my own choices?
What if there was no us, would there be more of me?
The thoughts haunted me, until one day I grew tired of thinking about “what ifs” and decided to know “what is” (I borrowed that line from Basha).
And so - I broke up with him.
Aug 23, 2008
Now, here I am after 7 years. I am no longer the 16-year old girl and he is no longer the 23-year old guy who used to be the only man in my life. I am no longer innocent, I have experienced more than people can think I have - some are good and well, some are bad.
For 7 years, I’ve met a lot of people and there were a few wonderful persons that I’ve shared with some of the most memorable moments in my life. But the remaining pieces were all void. Most of the time, I was still lonely and I kept looking for the same kind of love we shared. The love that we had was the crazy, can’t-live-without-you-for-a-day kind of love, that sometimes it becomes unbearable.
For 7 years, I’ve been trying to find myself – what I want, where I want to go, who I want to be. It was never easier without him.
Has. Never. Been. Easier.
I know I have become stronger and wiser and more confident with life. I believe that I can stumble and fall on my knees and find the strength to stand up again. But somehow, whenever I look back – I see the 16-year old girl smiling back at me. And when I try to smile back, my heart breaks because I know that her smile is sweeter, more real and sincere.
I know that in a lot of ways, she is a lot happier than I am right now.
The past 7 years are the what-ifs that I decided to succumb to. And now I realized that I wanted to go back but I can never find my way home. The roads have changed to dead-ends and U-turns are no longer allowed.
Now, all I can do is wonder about – what if I never let him go?
Just like what he wrote a few days back… I wish we can go back to the way it was before, when the days never seemed to end. Then we wouldn’t have any regrets. Then, we wouldn’t have to carry this pain all our lives...
It’s too late now to try and fix what we had. We are both living separate lives and I could honestly wish him being happy with someone else. I have moved on. I have finally dealt with the pain of losing him and I’m now working on bringing back the courage to love again. God knows, with all the pain I’ve been through – 5 years of cursing and crying and going gaga over him I have become scared to love again and share my whole heart with someone new.
I don’t want to go through the same pain…
But I still want to know –
What if I fall in love again?
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Mine was when I tripped over my own foot in front of my crush who didn't even have the nerve to help me and even laughed at me (the nerve talaga).
Oh, and then there was this one time I was at the mall and I fell face first. I swore I won't go back ever. Good thing that mall is already closed (Rustans Cubao).
And I remember I was in the girls restroom which has swinging doors for its cubicles. I went out and it hit me right on the face.
As unfortunate as I was, I would still consider myself fortunate... compared to other people. I was browsing Youtube and I decided to make this blog post. I'm sure you will enjoy this as much as I do.
It's a dog-eat-dog world out there. Feast cruel beings! : )
What the... ???
I feel so sorry for Michael that I tried my best to stop laughing. But you rock, Mike! I didn't understand a single bit of information but you made a lot of people happy.
The Revenge of the Drama Princess
This is a classic and everyone should watch this!
Forget and just forget
Only Filipinos can relate to this : )
Miss Teen USA 2007 proves blondes can read maps
Melanie Marquez is very contented
Is she smart or beautiful? Beautiful! Definitely : )
Bea Alonzo trips... watch out for Randy Ortiz
Allan K reveals his secret hehe
And last but not the least, who could forget Janina San Miguel?
Sunday, September 14, 2008
So after spending my melancholic weekdays working and being depressed over my dad and Alex, I decided to have some fun. Besides, I know another gloomy entry will make my fellow bloggers put my site in their blocked list. Ahehe.
My friend, Juna, is going back to Dubai so me and my college friends decided to meet up. The invitation sent thru text said “4 PM SHARP”. I arrived 530 PM thinking how fashionably late I am only to be surprised that I was actually one of the Top 3 early birds. Haha. Can’t believe it!
My friend said of her (another) late incident, “Hello??? 4 PM??? Ano ba tayo mga high school? Matatanda na tau noh bat 4 PM???
We went to Trinoma and had dinner at Gerry’s Grill. Then I realized that almost all of us are single except for birthday girl, Gladys (I actually prefer her in a relationship otherwise she’ll rant on every single day how miserably single she is).
We then went to Starbucks and stayed there til 4 AM. Woohoo!
Certified Single - Michael and Doubtfully Single Nelvin
Michael, not-so-single Gladys (thank Heavens!) and me
STARRY STARRY SUNDAY
I woke up (7 PM) and saw that my friend, Andrea, is inviting me for another night out. FYI, we just went out last Tuesday. We met at Starbucks, went back to her condo unit and decided to go out again.
And Andrea is also technically single. Just like me.
Whew. I’ve been hanging out with single people recently.
I wanna melt for somebody...
Girls in White
Finally, I'm wearing a white shirt again!
I saw a couple of cute guys and you know how it’s always fun to guy-hunt. We were drinking and feeling it while an all-bald-male band plays cool music. Oh, and Duncan from Southborder was there, too. Then a waiter approached us…
“There’s a Turkey for you.”
Me and Andrea looked at each other.
“What Turkey? Turkey na pagkain?” Andrea asked.
Wow. Someone’s giving us free Turkey! Then, I noticed a cute, foreign-looking guy smiling at us.
“No, not Turkey. But you know... Turkey! Ayun oh. Mapera yan,” the waiter said pointing to the cute guy. The guy continued smiling. Awww!
“Ah, Turkish pala.”
They invited us to sit with them but we politely declined. But at the back of my mind I was thinking… Shit. This is wrong. I should go over there and eat the Turkey haha! But of course, we don’t want Duncan and the band to think that we are easy girls. Besides, if they like us, they should join us, send free drinks, dedicate songs, give flowers etc. We are conservative girls and we prefer the old-fashioned way. Of course, I’m kidding.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Like every day's the last
Without a simple goodbye
It all goes by so fast
And now that you've gone
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now
Gonna open my eyes
And see for the first time
I let go of you like
A child letting go of his kite...
Lately, I’ve been dreaming a lot about my dad - three straight days. His image is as clear and vivid as when he was still alive.
My relationship with my Dad was the one that most daughters would envy. When I had my first crush, when I cut my classes for the first time, when I didn’t get a perfect score in an exam when I was in kindergarten – I went straight to him. Not to my Mom because I know she would nag about it endlessly but always to my Dad because I know he would understand. He would even tell me about his own personal experiences. At the end of each of our conversations, I would always feel better.
All those times I was hurt (I always scrape my knee as a child), all those times my mom spanked me and all other times when I felt I needed my Dad – I just cry and wail like a banshee and he would be there. He would always make the pain stop.
Now, I can cry all I want and scream as loud as I can but I know it would never be the same.
I miss my Dad terribly.
It’s been 12 years since he died but there are times when I feel like I’m still the 10 year old girl whose been told that her Dad is dead.
The pain never stopped.
The longing never ceased.
But, love goes on.
And so does life.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
You may know the Laplace transform like the back of your hands, you may know the best place to eat sisig or the most powerful person in the Philippines (GMA).
You may have all the tools of the trade - a Texas Instrument scientific calculator complete with the x,y graph thingy (obvious bang I took up Engineering?), 10,000 bucks to treat your friends for dinner or a copy of the presidential scandal but it can't make you bigger than life or even a centimeter bigger than her mole.
But if you know a little Photoshop and you have a laptop (installed with the software of course para sa mga pilosopo), then you have the answer to all of life's problems.
Okay, I'm exaggerating. Maybe not all but the most common ones:
- signs of aging (wrinkles, crow lines, sunspots na di madaan daan sa Olay)
- baby fats
- baby fats
- baby fats
Here are some examples:
Angelica's comment on the incident, "One month before the actual pictorial ‘yon. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nasa utak ng gumawa at nagpakalat nun. Kaya sana talaga mamatay na siya!"
I'm not dissing these celebrities after all it is their business to look good (just as it is your job not to browse websites at work) but sometimes they look so damn good, it makes other people insecure about their own physical appearances. That's why Angelica shouldn't feel that bad about it, because she actually made a lot of ladies out there happy. For guys, well I know a lot of you were disappointed but isn't this a big reality check for you? What you see is not always what you get. So stop criticising us girls for being fat especially when you have a beer belly of your own!
Anyway, here are my contributions. Aba, I also need to photoshop my pictures after all it is also my business to look good. Lmfao!
I even have dirty dishes in the background! Can you guess our ulam? And oh! I forgot to enhance my cleavage haha :
I reduced my nose (it's too big), removed blemishes, soften the skin and changed the pout of my lips haha : D
Of course, I only do minor corrections. I don't want anyone to have a major disappointment haha. Deep down, I still believe that after all the Photoshop editing and layering, true beauty will only be conveyed in the picture if it comes from within (naks). Itaas ang confidence level and believe that you are a magnificent creature molded by powerful hands. If you're still not convinced that you are, you can always turn to Photoshop. A little trim there and a little oomph here will surely boost your confidence and increase your profile views in Friendster.
Make sure that the real you will always be greater than any of your snapshots.
PHOTOSHOPPED or NOT.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Please send me a sample of your creative and technical pieces. No links to blogs pls! And tell me in the simplest but most creative way why you are right for the job.
The starting pay is 170 Php per 500-word article.
For Graphic Artist, I am looking for someone who basically...
- has experience working with Illustrator, Photoshop and Flash
- can create appealing logos, banners, brochures, flyers, website layouts
- has a great balance between aesthetics and technical knowledge
- reliable and can meet deadlines
- can work from home (preferred)
Please send me at least two work samples, your work availability and your charge per project.
You will want to work with me because this can lead to a long-term professional relationship, more opportunities, higher pay and the best part is this is tax-free and there will be occasional bonuses! Students and part-timers are very much welcome to apply.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
But - when there's a will, there's a way! And soon, I found myself logging in the world of eBay.
A few weeks later, I've consumed all my savings (again). I placed bid on 5 bags (yes, five!), Victoria's Secret lotion and body spray, a digicam, maybelline lipstick, a Fiorucci wallet and probably something else that I missed. I didn't know I would be that lucky (?) to win all of it. After contemplating whether I should risk my eBay feedback or one month worth of groceries - I decided I'm gonna get 'em. Here are some of my purchases.
Isn't it a handful? Now, there's one more thing left to do - put eBay in my list of blocked websites.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Faster… Faster than the beat of my wild heart. His breath into my ear reminds me of all the moans and stifled cries of the men who passed into my life.
Harder… he grips me harder. His one hand clasps my arms and the other squeezes my now swollen breast. He digs beyond my body and into my very soul. I almost choked with his grasp.
Each trace of his tongue in my body, each feel of his lips, each kiss brings tears to my heart. My body is on fire but my heart is numb.
His wholeness pierce at my flesh. I could feel his throbbing manhood sway to the rhythm of this ancient dance. Slower at first, carefully accelerating – pounding like a mad man, thrusting deeper beneath the surface, delving into my existence, triggering emotions I had shunned many times before.
He looks into my eyes and I see his soul soar up in the sky while I - remained on the ground.
He flowed into me and he remained. He flowed into my veins and poisoned my flesh, my blood, my body.
The aftermath of it all – a good f***. Void of emotion. Void of words. Just lust. Pure lust.
He took his clothes and walked away. Probably forever. Just as others have walked and closed the door. He treaded their footsteps and he too, did not see the tears nor did he feel the my pain. He, too would never know.
I don’t need a good f***.
Monday, July 21, 2008
In life, make sure you are running towards something, not away from something.
I spent the rainy Wednesday morning curled up in bed, texting and reading Nights in Rodanthe by NIcholas Sparks. I came across that line, and just had to stop. I put down the book and just breathed a heavy sigh.
I am always running away from people, situations and even memories. For me, the best way to handle difficult times is not to handle them at all. Run away, pretend they don't exist, change numbers, do not talk to them, fool myself and go on with life tucking away all that's bothering me in a trunk already flowing with those that I have hidden before.
This year was a year of hide and seek for me, I was always on the go (as usual), moving from place to place, running away from people. I quit my job at Sykes (a great company) because I wanted to run away from someone and thought that this would be the best thing for us. When tragedy happened, I walked out from it and told myself, it never did. I had a row with my sister, and for several months now, I have been trying to pretend that my sister doesn't exist (how stupid!). I met someone, worked at a new company - Siemens, I got depressed but I didn't want to cry or worry. I just wanted to move on and get on with life. I quit my job and just ignored whatever was happening with my life. Now, I am at NuComm, a new company with new people around me. I am not here because I wanted to be here, I just didn't want to be in the same place. (Aside from having fun,) I went out on dates, went partying and met new people not to look for someone but to forget someone. Now, I know why it never worked out.
I never wanted to stay. I just wanted to run away.
I guess, that is the reason why time passes me by without really knowing where to go to. But my life has not been stagnant, it has been in constant and rapid motion. I have lots of things going on around me and I can definitely say that I am not in the same place I was before. I have changed but I was driven by the wrong reasons, I have been fighting for the wrong side all this time.Carefree - that's what they call me. My mantra is, "throw away your worries and keep your fingers crossed that they will disappear in time." Sometimes, it works but I realized I have to grow up and take charge of my life. Stop hoping that God will have mercy on me, or my family will rescue me in the ravine of my own land, or that one day it will go forgotten. I know being worry-less is a fun way to live. But flowers never bloom with the sun alone. We all need a little rain sometimes... and this time, I am not throwing anything but my umbrella and I will let myself be drenched in the rain.
Who said that life crisis are for only those who have thinning hairs, immaculate baby fats and boring jobs? Why isn't there an early20s life crisis or at least a mid 20s one? Surely, the earlier we start the faster we can get it resolved (statistically speaking).
Having a crisis is good in a way. You've got an excuse to be upset, to be not so nice, to be late for work (I hope my boss doesnt read this), to book a 5000-buck massage charged to your Visa card, to stay locked up in your room without your Mom screaming at you every 5 minutes, to go to Panglao without asking permission from anyone, to shop and have an emergency full-wardrobe change, to have your nails done every other day or so... that is if you are Zobel/Ayala/Cojuangco's relative to the 6th degree. You may even have a chance to sleep at their guestroom. sabi nga sa Bergdorf Blondes - beyond!!!
But for an average working girl like me who only gets 18,000 a month minus taxes, toiletries, groceries, Mom/younger bro/youngest bro/nieces commission/facial/plus other kupits the most you can do is stay in your room, eat chippy, be late for work and be fired, meetup with your friends and cry over coffee while endlessly ranting why there are gays who are happily living with a straight gorgeous guy (maybe they are rich or better with heads) - going thru a crisis is such a terrible terrible thing. It's like going thru a... well, a crisis for that matter. And when you get so clinically depressed you want to literally delete your friends - in friendster, multiply, myspace, hi5 and all social/sexual/mental networking sites known to man. In short you just want to be invisible or sabi nga sa Tagalog... kung pwede lang lamunin ako ng lupa. But then again that would be so unchic. I'd rather be the invisible girl and sneak into Piolo Pascual's room and watch him all night longggg... now that would be a more dignified way to go through this.
So... here I am trying to pick myself up. I want to gather all my scattered pieces and dump them all in one place so that I can sort things easier. Hopefully I will overcome another challenege in this life and emerge more beautiful than ever.Just like what they say, from tragedy comes beauty. I say from crisis comes a beauty queen er... something like that. Move over mid-life crisis!
Saturday, July 5, 2008
ang dilim ang aking liwanag
at ang buwan ang aking araw
humihigop, ako'y nalulunod
sa limot ng pangako
tila isang islang nilamon ng karagatan...
ang dilim ang aking liwanag
at ang dapithapon ay bukang-liwayway
ng isang umagang
papawi sa hapdi ng gabi...
ang dilim ang aking liwanag
at dito ako'y nararapat
pagkat ang dilim ang aking kanlungan
pagkat sa dilim ay kung saan ang alaala mo'y naroon
ang iyong himig ang katahimikan
at ang tibok ng iyong puso ang siyang papawi
sa liwanag kung saan ika'y wala na...
para kay kuya manuel na nagbigay inspirasyon sa talatang ito.
Paalis ako papauntang Baguio dala-dala ang maletang hiniram ko kay Allan na ang laman ay puro miniskirt at shorts (dahil naniniwala ako sa kasabihang pack light na ako din naman ang nagimbento). Nadaanan ko si Kuya Manuel umiinom dun sa kanto.
"Makikipagdate ka na naman," ang sabi niya.
"Hindi noh. Papasok ako sa opisina," palusot ko. Kahit na alam na ng buong baranggay sa min na tuluyan na kong nagretiro sa pagiging "kolgirl".
Bakit nga ba ako tinamad sa pagtratrabaho? Yun ang tinatanong ko sa aking sarili habang inaakyat namin ang ecotrail sa Camp John Hay. Rasyonal ba ang dahilan ko? Dahil lang sa batugan ako at ayaw ko ng magtrabaho? O marahil ayokong makulong sa isang mundong puno ng bawal kung saan bawat galaw at pindot mo sa telepono ay narerekord, bawat cr at lunch break ay inoorasan at bawat salita ay dapat naayon sa "call flow". Siguro nga.
Sabi nga nila masyado kong mahal ang aking kalayaan. At bakit hindi, ipinaglaban pa yan nila Rizal at Bonifacio at maging ng mga ninuno nating nawalan na ng mukha at pangalan. Hindi ba't nararapat lang na ipagpatuloy ang laban? Makibaka para sa kalayaan! (Patalsikin si Gloria!!!)
Subalit ngayon, pagkalipas ng labingsiyam na araw kong pagiging istambay, limang araw ng bakasyon sa Baguio, anim na oras pagkagaling sa Laguna at Tagaytay, apatnaputpitong minuto matapos kong malaman na patay na si Kuya Manuel ay napagmunimuni ko na ako'y nagkamali rin. Ang kalayaan hindi natatamo sa pagtalikod sa digmaan. Hindi rin nakukuha o naibabalik. Hindi dahil istambay ka ay malaya ka na. Hindi naman dun natatapos ang mga bawal sa mundo. Walang taong ipinanganak na malaya. Hindi pa nga tayo naisisilang bilanggo na tayo ng pangarap ng ating mga magulang. "Tong anak kong to, magiging boksingero to pag laki kagaya ni Manny at ibibili ako ng mansyon at magagarang auto." Bilanggo na tayo ng ating pangalan at apelyido, kasarian, bansa, relihiyon, kultura at kung anu-ano pang tanikala. Bilanggo na tayo bago pa man naging tao at marahil ang mundong ito ang ating Bilibid.
Kaya para sa iyo Kuya Manuel na madalas kong makita sa kanto, umiinom o minsan naman ay nagpapaypay ng barbeque - maswerte ka. Laya ka na.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
I'm tired of pretending
that you'll come back one day
tired of saying
you always wanted to stay
i've counted so many nights
left out in our past
I'm sick of waiting
for the letters that never came
i'm scared of finding
that this is all just a game
i've died a million times
with this pain
do you even care?
And i keep telling myself
this is going to be my last goodbye
I keep telling my friends
this is going to be my one last cry
but everytime i wake up
i give it another try
I just can't say goodbye
to that one person in my life
I cant give up
why can't i?
I'm tired of hoping
that tomorrow will get better
that you'll come back
and promise forever
how can i not be trapped
when you're my only
Just as a flower craves for rain
i yearn for your flood
to take me away...
Monday, June 23, 2008
"I will always be here, always..."
Do you see that light?
No that's not a star. That's the light of the star that has long been extinguished. The star from which the light came from is gone but its light has continued to glow, to give light, to guide.
I am like that star.
You may think that I've left you and today you'll cry a river of tears. You'll mourn for me, be in denial of my death but time will come you'll find the strength to move on. And someday I might be forgotten. You will find a new love while my memory will slowly fade. I know one day, you'll look at the same sky. Your hand clasped into someone's. You would tell her your plans for the two of you. You will look at the sky without feeling pain for my loss. Instead you will be thankful.
Though I won't be able to share the future with you, yesterday is enough for me to carry on. A moment with you is all that I could ask for. And seeing you happy is enough consolation.
No, i dont dread the coming of that day, surely. For while you're looking at the sky, I will be looking down on you. And i will still whisper, "I will always be here, always..."
Kung ang langit
Sakbibi ng ulap, ulan at kidlat
Ang magiging saksi
Sa aking paghapis -
Alaala ng nakaraan
Ang siyang pananggalang
Pagkat ang buhay
Ang langit ay tumigil at
nagpakaluhod sa lupa
Nagmakaawa sa putik
Na ako ay ibalik
sa iyong mga yakap
At ang ulan ay lumuha
at dumurog sa mga rosas sa hardin ni Eba
at unti unting umapaw
sa nagaalimpuyo kong puso
Kaisa ng aking kaluluwa
Na ikaw ay magbalik
Na papawi sa aking hapdi
At ang pagibig manatiling dahilan
Sa pagpatak ng kanyang awa.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
I didn't find a boyfriend (i thought i was close to finding one but turns out he lacks balls) but I did find a laptop. It's an Asus A8LE and I'm loving it. So for now, I'd be glad to settle : )
Friday, May 16, 2008
Here are my top ladies from all cycles.
I just don't understand that being nice is being fake. Only being rude and mean is being real
I really feel that Anya should have won. It's just that Whitney (the winner) was a plus-size model and ANTM has never had one. Whitney has a stinky attitude and she bitches about everyone while Anya was fun to work with and the girl has got sense. And she is nice, she always has a nice thing to say. I really don't get why she didn't win.
And her deviantart page ---> http://0pandoras0tear0.deviantart.com/