To The One Who Stil Holds My Heart

>it's amazing how one person can break your heart
but more amazing that you still love him with all the little broken pieces...
this is just a very simple poem
but it's everything I have to say

Just the way he laughs
make me smile
The stars will be shamed
With the twinkle in his eyes
I’m at my happiest in his arms
And his voice caresses me like a child.
He tells me I’m beautiful
the best thing that happened to his life
He makes me at ease and comfortable
That I don’t have to pretend otherwise.
He calms my irrational fears
He never made me shed a tear
He holds my hand
And everything becomes clear.
He is my guiding star,
My angel in the dark.
He is my soulmate.
He is my heart.

Alone

how lonely can one's life get?
is it when you love someone you can't even touch -
you grasp for air to catch his scent
look into someone else's eyes hoping to see the twinkle that has always been in his?

is it when you live each day in all its naked glory
half-awake, never getting to where you want to be
and you settle for something less
hoping it would get better in time

you look at your face in the mirror
and you miss the you you've both left behind
you hold back your tears and say
this is just a phase...
a phase that you'll soon get over with
the same phase you've been in for the past two years

you gather all the courage you could muster
and take one step at a time
you die with each one
because you walk away from fate
and you choose not to love

someone please tell me...
how lonely can one's life get?

Love Reincarnate

"Please bring him back to me."

"Ah." The Master was thoughtful. "What would you do if I brought him back? Would you love him better? Or would you just love him because of what he could do for you?"

"I would love him unconditionally." She replied like that because the Master always emphasized that they had been born to learn unconditional love. But he laughed at her answer.

"You can love him unconditionally now. You don't need to see him. The only reason you want to see him is so you can get something from him." The Master shook his head. "I have seen you go through this more times than you remember. When you are with him it is all feverish. You become so entangled, so attached. Is it any wonder the universe should take him from you? No, you don't need him. You have me, you have God. It is enough that we love you."

Once more, though, he read her mind.

"I see that all this pain is good for you," he said. "It turns you back to your inner self. You do not have to be so emotionally needy. Close your eyes and be still." He tapped her on the head once again with his rose. "Go now. Rest."

She was shocked at the sudden dismissal. "But I am still so hurt."

"Emotions come and go - your hurt cannot last."

She stood up reluctantly. "Will I see him again?"

The Master closed his eyes briefly. "Yes."

"In this life?"

But that question he would not answer.

- Christopher Pike, The Midnight Club

After a while (a life without him)

I cannot imagine how hard it must to be for you. I'm really happy to get a mail from you. I'm happy to know you haven't forgotten me even if you should... By my side I'm still thinking of you and I miss you a lot but i feel powerless. I wish to do many things but i can't. Meeting you was wonderful and at the same time the most hurtful thing that happened in my life. I wish to tell you so many things but i shouldn't. Just want to let you know you are a really important person for me and you will always be. Take care.
- an email from him| read for the nth time

It's been a while
and i'm back to my life
dark and uninspired
without you.
Words just seem to jumble
i couldn't find the rhyme
everything's a black hole.
I used to pull tricks off my sleeves
but they're now sand on my hands
slipping away.

My world is a big mess
i can't pick up the pieces
i fall everytime i try to make a stand
i try to move forward but i always fall behind,
I used to be happy on my own
but now i never felt more alone
i'm slipping
slipping away...

It's been a while
and i'm back to my life without you
i'm trying to be strong
trying to move on
i hide each tear with my smiles
laughter is the best disguise
im glad to be free
but when its only me
the lights go dim
and i'm slowly slipping
slipping away...

Nights in a Decade

Do good things never last? Yes, never for a long time at least. The greatest things that will ever happen in your life will happen in a few seconds, a few days, a few years. It will come as swiftly as a morning breeze; just to whisper in your ear, to give you hope, to give you something to work hard for and dream of. You'll never know what you're missing until you find it, and you'll never be complete once you lose it. That is the tragedy of life; the deeper the love, the more it hurts. It always comes together - pain and love. And as always, it is the one thing that remains constant in my life, as well as everybody else's.


***It's been almost a year pero ngayon lang ako nakakapagmove on. Ang hirap kasi lagi akong nadedepress before... iyak ng iyak. Naiinis na sa kin mga kaibigan ko dahil wala akong ibang sinabi kundi alex alex alex. Pero sa totoo lang wala na siya at hindi na siya babalik. Finally, natanggap ko na din yun and ngayon I wanna be happy again. Sana maging in a relationship na uli status ko sa friendster lol.***

To Alex:



Remember you told me a few days after you left that you were my greatest test?

The day I met you I was unsure of where I was. I was in a relationship that has been emotionally tiring. I have long fallen out of love. One of the reasons was because I felt that I could have so much more and that I could be treated better… loved better. But I stayed because I cared for him and I told myself I can settle while waiting for the one. But you told me that being with the wrong person not only means I am miserably with the WRONG PERSON, it also means missing out my chances in finding the right one.

You taught me that love is indeed patient and kind. The best lesson I learned with you was that of loving myself more. You taught me that I should never settle for anything less than what I deserve. You taught me people will only treat me the way I allow them to. You taught me that I should be treasured, respected and loved. You taught me that I was worth waiting, worth traveling a thousand miles and worth living sleepless nights for. Every single day that we were together, you made me feel that I was the most beautiful girl in the world that even up to now I still feel (in my own weird way) that I am.

I know that most people will never understand what happened but that’s what makes it special. It’s something that only the two of us can ever share. My friends say it was just a fling, a summer romance, a friendship that got out of hand but love is not a switch that you turn on whenever you want and turn off when things get hard. When love comes, it comes and it will stay. That’s what you told me and that was what I exactly felt. We were together for only a week but I treasure each day as if those were our last. Every cab ride, every Starbucks cup, every road and every walkway in every mall that we went to – I cherish them all. All those moments when you gently held my hand and told me that you were happy because of me, those countless times your lips curved as you struggle to speak in Tagalog, all those small coincidences that might as well be miracles where God chose to be anonymous – everything tells me that you came for a reason. And you told me that that reason was for me to learn and pass my test.

That is why on the day you called and said you were leaving; I spent my last 500 bucks on a cab ride from Antipolo to Pasay.

That is why I chose to hold on to you even when we were separated by a continent or two (not sure… not good at geography) and seven hours.

That is why I chose to cry with you while seeing but not being able to hold you during those times we’d chat for endless hours.

That is why I chose to spend my money for overseas calls and 15-peso text messages.

That is why I chose not to go out on dates and stay faithful to you.

That is why I, when you said things got busier, tried to do your part to make the relationship work.

That is why I went against my better judgment and made up a lot of reasons to justify why you suddenly changed.

That is why I kept calling you even when you no longer answer my calls.

That is why I kept sending you emails even when I know you’re no longer reading them.

That is why I kept saying goodbye but I’m still not leaving.

I chose to hold on to you because you were my greatest test and you told me before that you would do everything for me to pass it.

That is why even after a year and 8 months since we last saw each other, a year since our last conversation and 5 months since your last text message, I am still here waiting.

I am miserable and I don’t feel loved in any way.

But still you taught me my lessons well.

I just hope I realized sooner.

I’ve finally found the courage to let you go… because I realized that everything you taught me was not about you but about me after all and that my greatest test was not loving you inspite of everything.

It was putting and loving myself first despite of all.

I never, not even for once, doubted that what we felt for each other was love. Having you was more than a big ego boost. I loved myself more because you loved me. And I know that I can never go back to where I was before I became a better version of me. There’s nothing that I feel for you but love and gratitude for every wonderful moment and for every lesson I learned.

And with that I can say at last, I’ve passed my greatest test.

And I’m letting myself free, finally.

Ang Suklay

Writer's note: Not everything in this story is true to life. Inspired lang po by real events and this happened back when I was in 3rd year college. Was it love? I realized now that it wasn't really. Almost. But not quite. Otherwise, I would have never let him go.

Lunes ng umaga. Hindi ako mapakali sa loob ng jeep. Parang may kulang. Meron ata akong naiwan. Chineck ko yung bag ko. Pang limang beses na nga ata e . Cellphone...check, wallet...check, id... check. Andito naman lahat. Ano nga ba yung kulang?

Ah baka psychological lang ito. Lately kasi ang dami kong iniisip; work, school, work, mga expenses, yung mga asungot sa bahay. Toot toot... may nagtext na naman sa akin. Sino kaya ito? Hay naku stalker na naman, makapagpalit na nga ng sim. Wala akong time para sa mga unidentified texters. But then again nagreply ako, "Wala na ko load eh. Pasaload mo muna ko."

Napakabusy ko ngayong week. Midterms namin eh. Sabagay hindi naman ako nagrereview pero magfeefeeling busy na din ako gaya ng mga classmates ko. Ano nga lang ba inaatupag ko? Internet, friendster at magreklamo araw-araw tungkol sa nakatambak kong labahan. Toot toot...Wow pasaload! Namputsa dos lang?!? Manigas ka hindi talaga ko magrereply sa iyo.

Late na naman ako ng 45 minutes. Di bale sanay na naman sila sa akin. And on the positive side, grand entrance na naman ang lola nyo. Haay... bad trip naman ang hangin hangin sa jeep. Nagulo na naman tuloy ang buhok ko. Makapag ayos nga muna sa cr. Lulubuslubusin ko na para 50 minutes na kong late.

Namputsa! Asan na yung suklay ko? Nilabas ko isa-isa ang mga gamit ko. Isang notebook, mga balat ng yema na binalot sa test paper ko sa advance math, make-up kit, wallet...asan na suklay ko???

"Miss pwedeng makahiram ng suklay? Nawawala kasi yung sa akin eh."

Buti na lang mabait yung katabi ko at makapal ang mukha ko. Nakahiram ako ng suklay. Asan na kaya yung suklay ko? Kainis ha, pang pito na ata yun na binili ko. San ko ba naiwan?

"Thank you miss ha. Eto na oh."

Sabi na nga ba may naiwan ako. Hindi lang pala yun pyschological. Instinct talaga iyon. Sabi na nga ba eh. At hindi naman pala talaga ko busy. In fact buong linggo akong nakatulala tuwing break.

"Hoy! Anong iniisip mo dyan? Nagbibilang ka ba ng butiki?"

"Ah, hindi noh. May iniisip kasi ako e. At ano namang palagay mo sa school natin cheap para magkaroon ng butiki sa kisame???"

"Kasi naman ang layo ng tingin mo. Ano bang problema?"

"Wala ok lang ako."

Ok lang ako...yun yung sinasagot ko sa sarili ko buong linggo. Hanggang sa umabot ang Friday morning. Badtrip pare! Imagine 5 days akong walang suklay. 5 days akong nanghihiram kung kani-kanino. Grabe talaga. Saan ko ba naiwan yun? Habang bumibili ako ng hotcake sa McDo ay iniisip ko pa rin ang aking beloved suklay. Ano ba yan 35 pesos na pala ang hotcake. Haay!

"Miss may syrup kayo?"

"Andun sa table oh."

"Ah ok."

Sa sobrang bad trip ko yung syrup na lang ang pinagtripan ko. Bakit kaya parang malabnaw? Pero sige pa rin ako sa paglagay.Hmmm... hotcakes! Sing sarap kaya ito ng luto ni Mama? Pwe! Ang asim! Bat ganun?

Ang tanga ko talaga. Suka pala yung nailagay ko. Badtrip talaga naman oh!

"Miss, di ba sabi mo yung syrup andun sa lamesa, eh suka yun e. Pwede ba itong palitan?"

Nagtawanan pa ang mga bwisit. Napalakas ata ang reklamo ko. Pinagtinginan tuloy ako.

Lumapit yung manager. "Eh ma'am obvious namang suka yun. Iba yung lalagyan ng syrup sa suka, iba yung kulay at mapapansin nyo naman yun - ang syrup malapot."

So ako pa ang lumabas na tanga tanga? “Ok fine! Pakitapon na lang yan."

Yun lang at tumalikod na ko. Nagbubulungan pa sila. "Tsk tsk para naman yung wala sa sarili."

Oo nga… feeling ko parang wala ako sa sarili ko. This week ang bigat bigat ng pakiramdam ko. Lagi akong matamlay. Toot toot... Sino na naman ito? Hindi na naman nakaregister ang number!

"Kumusta ka na? Miss na kita ah. Yung suklay mo nga pala naiwan mo dito."

Napakunot ako...alam ko na. Oo nga pala! Doon ako huling nagpunta sa kanya at kaya pala hindi nakaregister ang number nya ay dahil sa binura ko na ang pangalan nya sa phonebook ko (at sana nga pati sa puso ko mabura na rin). Reply ako, "Ok, daanan ko na lang jan."

Eh bakit nga ba kailangang daanan ko pa? (toinks!) Eh kung bumili na lang ako ng bago? Ganun din naman, mamasahe pa ko.

Pero nung hapong din yun nagpunta ko sa kanya. Sinundo nya ko sa kanto. Parang walang nangyaring murahan at away. Humawak ako sa kamay nya.

"Kumusta ka na?"

"Eto bad hair day since Monday kasi naman nasa iyo pala yang suklay ko eh."

Tinitigan ko siya. Ang gwapo nya talaga. (kahit may mga pimples). Paano ko kaya siya makakalimutan? Isang ngiti lang nya nakakalimutan ko na yung mga atraso nya sa akin. Kahit sandali lang nakakalimutan kong pangalawa lang (lang ba?) ako sa buhay nya.

"Mahiga ka muna jan at magpahinga ka."

"Ayoko, papanoorin na lang kita jan sa ginagawa mo."

Lumapit siya sa akin. Hinawakan yung pisngi ko. Shettt! Tunaw na naman ako. Kung pwede lang sanang patigilin ang ikot ng mundo. Hinding hindi ako magsasawang tumingin sa mukha nya. Gusto kong kabisaduhin bawat linya at anggulo para naman pag naghiwalay kami... Hinalikan nya ko. Hmm... ang pinakamatamis na halik na aking natikman. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito ang epekto nya, basta pag siya, wala na ko sa katinuan.

"Hmm... tama na uuwi na ko."

"Ang aga aga pa eh. Ayaw mo na ba kong makasama?"

Kung alam mo lang kung gaano ko kasaya pag kasama kita hinding hindi mo yan sasabihin. Ikaw na nga lang ang nagpapasaya sa buhay ko eh pero ikaw lang din ang pwedeng magpaguho nito. Tuwing maghihiwalay tayo ang bigat ng hakbang ko. Laging may kulang pag wala ka. Kulang ako...

"Eh kasi may gagawin pa ko eh. Next time na lang."

Hinalikan ko sha (mabilis lang) at niyakap (yan ang matagal). Hindi mo lang alam kung gaano kita kamahal.

Hindi nya talaga alam yun at hindi nya nakita ang mga luhang unti unting pumatak.

"Magpapalit na nga pala ako ng number. Papasim swap ako. Itetext na lang kita ok?"

"Bat biglaan naman ata? Siguro hindi ka na magpapakita sa akin noh?"

"Bat naman hindi? Ikaw talaga kung ano ano ang naiisip mo. Basta magingat ka lagi ha. Yung mga pimples mo nga wag mong tinitiris nagmamarka tuloy."

"Wag mo na ngang pakialaman yan. Hayaan mo na... Mamimiss kita."

"Ako din...o siya sige aalis na ko."

Hinatid nya ko sa kanto. Bago ako sumakay ng jeep hinalikan ko uli siya.

"Sige magingat ka. Next week ha."

Pinagmasdan ko siya habang humahakbang siya palayo... bawat hakbang parang kutsilyong bumabaon sa puso ko. Hindi ko na matiis ang hindi mapaiyak. Ito na ata ang pinakamasakit na ginawa ko - ang iwan ang tanging lalaking minahal ko ng totoo. Mahirap pero ito lang ang dapat kong gawin. Minsan, may mga bagay pala na sadyang mas mahalaga kesa sa sarili natin, sa ating nararamdaman.

Ramdam ko ang pagdampi ng hangin (o mas bagay atang pollution) sa aking pisngi, dahan dahang humahalik sa aking buhok habang binabaybay ko ang kahabaan ng Espana. Tumigil na ang patak ng mga luha pero hindi ang kirot sa puso ko. Alam ko mahirap ang kalimutan siya pero...basta...

Tama na nga ang drama. Binuksan ko ang bag ko at kinuha ang suklay.

Ang suklay!

Naiwan ko na naman.

Napangiti ako.

Oo nga pala, this time hindi lang suklay ang naiwan ko... pati din pala ang aking puso.

Chances and What Ifs

First of all, let me warn you that this is going to be a very mushy post.

I am never a fan of Filipino movies just because I think that most Pinoy movies rely on the star factor rather than the quality of the story and the script itself. But I have to say now that I guess I was… wrong.

I guess I was just being a little crazy. Otherwise, who would have come home at 5 am from a night out, drunk and totally wasted and still have a couple of hours more to spare? Adding the fact that the same person just had her eyelash extension a few days back and is not allowed to cry?

So, let me rephrase that – I am crazy.

I watched One More Chance. Yes, that’s the Bea – John Lloyd movie. I am not a fan of Bea and most especially not that of John Lloyd. But I still watched it just for the sake of killing time.

Never did I think it would have such effect on me.

Feb 8, 2001

He was wearing a gray buttoned up shirt with a dragon print on the front. He was with a friend, standing at the front of Kawilihan Bakery in Anonas. He let out a smile and immediately walked up to me, held my hand and kissed me on the cheeks. He had the look of a schoolboy going gaga over his crush. But he wasn’t a schoolboy anymore. He was 23 years old. And I was not just a crush. I was his girlfriend who turned 16 that day.

I was at my happiest with him. Those were the days I thought and hoped would never end. We practically spent everyday together and looked forward to more. He was my first boyfriend, my best friend, my companion and jack of all trades.

But at one point, I became overwhelmed with too much love. I needed space - lots of it. I needed time – away from him. I started taking our relationship for granted and became consumed with the thoughts of “what if”.

What if he wasn’t always at my side, will I become more independent?

What if he wasn’t there to guide me, will I find my way on my own?

What if he wasn’t there to tell me what to do, will I be able to make my own choices?

What if there was no us, would there be more of me?

The thoughts haunted me, until one day I grew tired of thinking about “what ifs” and decided to know “what is” (I borrowed that line from Basha).

And so - I broke up with him.

Aug 23, 2008

Now, here I am after 7 years. I am no longer the 16-year old girl and he is no longer the 23-year old guy who used to be the only man in my life. I am no longer innocent, I have experienced more than people can think I have - some are good and well, some are bad.

For 7 years, I’ve met a lot of people and there were a few wonderful persons that I’ve shared with some of the most memorable moments in my life. But the remaining pieces were all void. Most of the time, I was still lonely and I kept looking for the same kind of love we shared. The love that we had was the crazy, can’t-live-without-you-for-a-day kind of love, that sometimes it becomes unbearable.

For 7 years, I’ve been trying to find myself – what I want, where I want to go, who I want to be. It was never easier without him.

Has. Never. Been. Easier.

I know I have become stronger and wiser and more confident with life. I believe that I can stumble and fall on my knees and find the strength to stand up again. But somehow, whenever I look back – I see the 16-year old girl smiling back at me. And when I try to smile back, my heart breaks because I know that her smile is sweeter, more real and sincere.

I know that in a lot of ways, she is a lot happier than I am right now.

The past 7 years are the what-ifs that I decided to succumb to. And now I realized that I wanted to go back but I can never find my way home. The roads have changed to dead-ends and U-turns are no longer allowed.

Now, all I can do is wonder about – what if I never let him go?

Just like what he wrote a few days back… I wish we can go back to the way it was before, when the days never seemed to end. Then we wouldn’t have any regrets. Then, we wouldn’t have to carry this pain all our lives...

It’s too late now to try and fix what we had. We are both living separate lives and I could honestly wish him being happy with someone else. I have moved on. I have finally dealt with the pain of losing him and I’m now working on bringing back the courage to love again. God knows, with all the pain I’ve been through – 5 years of cursing and crying and going gaga over him I have become scared to love again and share my whole heart with someone new.

I don’t want to go through the same pain…

But I still want to know –

What if I fall in love again?

Can't Cry Hard Enough

I'm gonna live my life
Like every day's the last
Without a simple goodbye
It all goes by so fast

And now that you've gone
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

Gonna open my eyes
And see for the first time
I let go of you like
A child letting go of his kite...

Lately, I’ve been dreaming a lot about my dad - three straight days. His image is as clear and vivid as when he was still alive.

My relationship with my Dad was the one that most daughters would envy. When I had my first crush, when I cut my classes for the first time, when I didn’t get a perfect score in an exam when I was in kindergarten – I went straight to him. Not to my Mom because I know she would nag about it endlessly but always to my Dad because I know he would understand. He would even tell me about his own personal experiences. At the end of each of our conversations, I would always feel better.

All those times I was hurt (I always scrape my knee as a child), all those times my mom spanked me and all other times when I felt I needed my Dad – I just cry and wail like a banshee and he would be there. He would always make the pain stop.

Now, I can cry all I want and scream as loud as I can but I know it would never be the same.

I miss my Dad terribly.

It’s been 12 years since he died but there are times when I feel like I’m still the 10 year old girl whose been told that her Dad is dead.

The pain never stopped.

The longing never ceased.

But, love goes on.

And so does life.

STARGAZING

I used to love looking at the sky, counting the stars while my hand is clasped into yours. I would tell you my plans for us; I'd go abroad, find a decent job and save for our future. Then I would be your wife. I would take care of you and our children. I would spend each day of my life with you. Can you still remember what I used to tell you?

"I will always be here, always..."

Do you see that light?

No that's not a star. That's the light of the star that has long been extinguished. The star from which the light came from is gone but its light has continued to glow, to give light, to guide.

I am like that star.

You may think that I've left you and today you'll cry a river of tears. You'll mourn for me, be in denial of my death but time will come you'll find the strength to move on. And someday I might be forgotten. You will find a new love while my memory will slowly fade. I know one day, you'll look at the same sky. Your hand clasped into someone's. You would tell her your plans for the two of you. You will look at the sky without feeling pain for my loss. Instead you will be thankful.

Though I won't be able to share the future with you, yesterday is enough for me to carry on. A moment with you is all that I could ask for. And seeing you happy is enough consolation.

No, i dont dread the coming of that day, surely. For while you're looking at the sky, I will be looking down on you. And i will still whisper, "I will always be here, always..."