I dont know if this is normal or if it’s only brought about by hormonal imbalance or PMS. But this has been bugging me for days now. Months actually.
I always believed that I am the kind of person that cannot be caged. I love to be free, i hate rules, i hate monotony. I love to be random, unpredictable - spontaneous. But I also know that it’s practically impossible in this life. Or in my life at least.
My life has been governed by rules; bawal kumain ng kendi - masisira ang ngipin, bawal umabsent, bawal manood hanggang hating-gabi, bawal magtelebabad, bawal magkalat.
Up until now... bawal umalis ng hindi naglilinis ng bahay, bawal magkaboyfriend ng hindi naayon sa standards ng "Familia Zaragozza", bawal magasawa hanggat hindi nakakabili ng bahay at lupa para sa nanay, bawal ang gumimik ng walang paalam, bawal bumukod ng bahay, bawal maging makasarili.
All my life - I’ve been living for other people. I live my life to fulfill their dreams, to make them happy, to make myself what they think I should be. I am so fucking tired of living this life when all I want to be is free. (Naks parang kanta…)
If I had my way, I’ll just live in a secluded island. Perhaps with the guy my Mom warned me about. I’ll just spend each afternoon reading a book or sleeping or maybe trying to learn how to swim instead of answering calls. I wanna break free. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit parang napacomplicated ng buhay eh pwede namang maging hindi. Bakit hindi nila makita?
I wanna be selfish. Ilang beses ko na bang sinabi yan sa sarili ko. Ilang New Year’s Resolution na. This year I promise that I will love myself more. I will learn to say no more often. I will fight for myself and for what I truly believe in. Pero hindi pa rin. I still feel that a part of me is locked up in a cage.
So ano nga bang ending ng entry ko na ito… hayyy ewan ko.
Monday, August 28th, 2006
Yes, that was me 2 years ago. I was one of the many struggling call center agents who is kept awake in the wee hours of the morning by 3 mugs of coffee or so. My routine back then was go to work, sleep (in the girl's sleeping quarters), go to school, go home, sleep (in my bedroom), eat, take a bath, curse myself for being late while rushing to log on my Avaya and work again. I missed a lot of things back then because I was always sleeping. When my brother punched my cousin and my cousin's tooth got knocked out... I was sleeping. I didn't have a single idea my youngest brother was having issues at home... because I was sleeping. When my cousin won the horserace and gave out 500-peso bills, I got nothing because (guess what?) I was sleeping.
I didn't have the time and financial freedom back then and so I had no choice but to depend on my family, most especially my Grandpa who's like a five-star general in terms of the way he commands everyone to behave (straight body, stomach in-chest out, hair neatly tied up in a ponytail, no nail polish, no jewelries, no skirt, no boys, no phone calls, etc.). I wanted to be free but at the same time, I couldn't afford it. Living on my own means more expenses, no flat screen TV, no AC, no big house, no food I could steal for my midnight urges and no ice cream every Sunday. With my meager income, I was just making enough. Until he almost threw me out of the house. That's when I realize that I am responsible for my own freedom. If I rely on someone - I will never be free. If I base my happiness on others, my dreams, my expectations... I will always be locked up in an invisible cage.
Breaking free doesn't end there. Freedom also means being being responsible for your own fate, setting your own rules and believing in your principles. Freedom means blaming yourself and not other people when things don't go your way. Freedom will always come with a price. But it's a price worth fighting for. (Ay teka? Nov pa lang ba? Akala ko June 12 na - Independence day hahahaha)
This was a line I read from Tuesdays with Morrie:
The people who get on in this life are the people who look for the circumstances they want. And if they can't find them, they make them.
So ano nga bang ending ng entry ko na ito…
I now know.
I'm still not in a secluded island and not with a tanned, shirtless guy. I'm not spending each afternoon resting my ass off or trying to learn how to swim. But I have broken free and I have gained a deeper perspective on what it means. I'm no longer living at my Grandpa's house but rather in a small room with no AC and no flat screen. I pay for my expenses and more. I found the perfect job which gives me the financial and time freedom I've always wanted. I wake up anytime I want and I can go out without making an elaborate plan on how to escape.
I can do more and be more because I know at the end of the day I only have myself to thank or blame.
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