The Warrior and the Child

So many things have happened these past few months which is why I decided to change my blog layout. It's still messed up though and my new header is the most I can do with my (limited) Photoshop skills hahaha. Anyway, I'm back to writing and can't wait to start posting new updates about my rollercoaster of a life. Here is the last piece I wrote before I went on a hiatus. I'm sire you'd figure out after reading this piece why I needed to get away...

April 1, 2009 was one of worst days in my life. I found myself running in 3-inch stilettos in front of Mercury Drugs not knowing where to go. I felt so helpless as panic engulfed logic. I still am not ready to write about what transpired that night but all I know is that it changed my life. I now found that invisible ink flowing from my veins to my pen. Now I know I won’t be writing in vain.

I went there not knowing what my main purpose was. I just felt like it was the best thing to do. Perhaps I was seeking refuge or just a mere sign of sympathy. I still shiver with fear just thinking about how I managed to escape but at the same time felt overwhelming gratitude just for being alive. I was obviously torn.

She was seated across me; her eyes big and questioning that I couldn’t help but come out of my invisible shield. I smiled at her and she smiled back, shyly. I excused myself and went out. She immediately followed.

“What’s your name?” I asked.

“Daffodil.”

“That’s a nice name. I’m also named after a flower. I’m Rose.”

She fidgeted with my bag while I heard a woman’s stifled cry in the other room. I presume it’s her Mom. Good thing, the little girl did not notice. I shouldn’t let her.

“Do you like to dance?”

“No.”

“Ahhh… you like to sing then.”

She nodded eagerly.

“Who’s your favorite singer? Sarah Geronimo?”

“No, I don't like her songs. I like the song ‘I believe’”.

“What’s that?”

She started to sing in her sweet little voice, “I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside…”

The usually glum and dark room seemed to lit up, filled with a hopeful melody. I didn’t shed a single tear throughout the terrible incident nor even after it. But as I found myself singing with her, my tears fell down - one by one.

“Give them a sense of pride to make it easier. Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be…”

It was the same song I used to sing as a child. It was my favorite. And hearing it now, sung by a four-year old seemed to me as more of a coincidence.

“The greatest love of all is easy to achieve – learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.”

I was speechless for quite some time. I couldn’t believe that there I was, defeated with distress and self-pity being rescued by a four-year old girl. I was so messed up and almost giving up but she was still full of hope. I felt like a child again – seeing with her eyes. The world was perfect and I was safe and protected in a shell of parental love. How I wish it was still the case for the both of us.

She waved goodbye as I tried to force a smile. I wished things could have been different – for her and for me. I wished nightmares didn’t come to life and children are spared of life’s cruelties. I wish we can go through this and emerge unbroken and strengthened. How I wished I met her at a different place. I wished as hard as I could - I wished for her more than for me.

After filing my case, I walked out of CIDG’s Women and Children’s Protection Division - a place filled with women and children who are physically and sexually violated. I went there not knowing what my main purpose was. What I didn’t know was in that desolate room often filled with shattered dreams and defeated spirits, is where I will find one of my life’s purposes. After hearing Daffodil's story - how she was sexually abused in her own home, I found the strength to carry on and start all over. God has led me there and sent His angel to help me realize the reason behind it all.

For the first time after the incident, I felt a sense of peace as Daffodil’s gentle voice continued to echo in my mind.

Up, Up and Away

I didn't want to watch Up at first, despite of the good reviews I've read about the movie. But after my friend promised that we will watch Time Traveler's Wife next Sunday, I finally agreed.

The movie tells the story of a quiet boy named Carl who meets a rather aggressive girl named Ellie. Together, they both dreamed of an elusive adventure that they always seemed to put off until Carl outlived Ellie (this is the hearbreaking part). Finally, he decided to chase their dream and found something more than he hoped for.

Up is as enchanting as it is inspring. It made me want to break out of my cynic shell and just take that first step to making my ultimate dream come true but at the same time, it taught me not to be afraid to make new dreams. It's definitely a must watch. The best movie from Pixar so far. And oh, I was deeply touched that I was inspired to make a poem. Warning: it's kinda cheesy.

Paradise Falls

You came like a dream

Vanished before I've seen

The wonders you brought to me

Went as quickly as a breeze

I hold on to what was left

I screamed 'til I'm out of breath

I closed my eyes and tried to pretend

That you'll hold me until the end

Though I know I have to let go...

I'll never be lost

As long as I follow my paradise falls

I'll chase wherever my heart goes

Until I arrive at paradise falls

I'll take that step away from you

I won't be scared to dream a dream or two

Like a bird that escaped from my grasp

I watch as you spread your wings at last...

Because I'll never be lost

As long as I follow my paradise falls

Oh, paradise falls

I'll see you at paradise falls...

Ako Naman

Ngayon ang unang araw nya sa eskwela. Bakas sa kanyang mukha ang magkahalong sabik at takot. “Kinakabahan ka ba? Okey lang yan. Ganyan din ako dati,” sambit kong may ngiti sa mga labi habang hawak ko ang kanyang kamay. Naalala ko nung unang araw ko sa kindergarten – gabi pa lang hinanda na ni Nanay ang uniporme ko, sapatos, bag at lahat ng kailangan ko sa eskwelahan. Araw-araw hanggang sa nakatapos ako ng hayskul, gumigising siya kasabay ko. Siya pa ang nagsusuot sa akin ng medyas at sapatos. Naiiyak ako ng di ko mawari. Ganito pala ang pakiramdam. Ako naman ngayon.

***
“Nanay, basahin natin ‘tong Sleeping Be... be...a...u...ti. Turuan mo na kasi kong mag-Ingles,” pangungulit ko sa aking inay. Masipag akong magaral noong ako’y bata pa pero ang pinakahilig ko ay magbasa – ng malakas! Iniiba-iba ko pa ang boses ko noon lalo na pag nagbabasa ako ng Funny komiks; nagboboses bata ako, boses matanda, boses robot, boses butiki.

“Si Tatay ang magtuturo sa iyong mag-Ingles,” sabay turo nya sa aking Tatay na agad namang kukuha ng libro at tatawagin ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ayaw na akong turuan ni Nanay samantalang siya ang nagturo sa akin ng abakada at pagbibilang. Siguro dahil masyado siyang abala sa pagluluto.

Hanggang sa makarating ako ng unang baitang. Medyo bihasa na kong mag-Ingles noon ngunit doon din nagsimulang dumalang ang pagtuturo sa kin ni Nanay. Ngunit lagi nya pa din akong pinapabasa ng libro at tuwing hapon ay parang Martial Law dahil bawal manood ng TV hangga’t hindi natatapos ang takdang-aralin. Nagbunga naman lahat ng iyon dahil lagi akong naguuwi ng medalya. Tuwang tuwa ako pag nakikita ko ang ngiti sa mukha ni Nanay, pagkatapos noon ay bibilhan niya ako ng hamburger o di kaya’y sosorpresahin ng bagong mga libro.

Nasa ikatlong baitang ako noon, mahigpit ang kompetisyon sa klase. Nakakatawa mang isipin ngayon, umiiyak ako kapag hindi ako nakakakuha ng kompletong marka sa mga pagsusulit. Naalala ko isang beses, magpapasa kami ng proyekto noon sa Hekasi, ngunit hindi ko natapos. Ayoko nang pumasok noon dahil wala akong ipapasa pero sabi ni Nanay ay tatapusin niya daw at ihahatid sa eskwelahan ng umaga ding iyon. Nagantay ako buong umaga, tingin ako ng tingin sa bintana. Hanggang sa sinabi ng guro namin, “Ipasa niyo na ang mga proyekto niyo. Ang tatlong pinakamaganda ay isasabit natin sa harap.” Pakiramdam ko noon ay maiihi ako sa salawal ko. Bakit hindi dumating si Nanay?

Nung umuwi ako ng hapon na iyon ay padabog kong sinara ang pinto at hinagis ang baunan ko sa lamesa. Binali ko din ang headband na binili ni Nanay sa inis ko. Hindi ko siya kinausap ng isang araw. Pero deadma lang siya. Hindi man lang nagsorry.

Nakapagtapos ako ng elementarya sa loob lamang ng limang taon at sa limang taon na iyon ay nagkaroon ako ng 18 medalya. Naging iskolar ako nung hayskul at sa awa ng Diyos ay nagtapos bilang valedictorian. Ang saya saya ko noon. Pakiramdam ko, ako ang pinakamatalino sa buong mundo. Paguwi namin ni Nanay ay sinorpresa nila ako ng engrandeng handaan. Andun ang lolo’t lola ko pati na din ang iba naming kamaganak.

“Ipakita mo sa kanila ang mga medalya mo,” panghihikayat ni Nanay.

Hinalungkat ko ang pinakamalaking aparador sa bahay kung saan nilalagay ni Nanay ang lahat ng mga importanteng kagamitan. Lagi niyang pinapaalala sa akin ang importansya ng edukasyon. Tinuturing niyang totoong ginto ang mga medalyang tanso lang naman talaga.

Palabas na sana ako ng mahagip ng aking mga mata ang isang kumpol ng mga papel na naninilaw at halatang luma na. Binuklat ko ito – ang aking proyekto sa Hekasi! Bakit nandito ito? Siguro nakalimutan ni Nanay na ihatid ito noon. Tinignan ko isa isa ang mga pahina at di ko napigilang humanga sa aking sulatkamay. Aba’y lagi pa nga akong pinupuri ng mga guro ko noon dahil napakahusay ko daw sumulat. Ngunit nakita ko ang mga sumunod na mga pahina... tila ba isinulat ng isang batang nagsisimula pa lamang magaral; naghalo ang mga malilit at malalaking letra at mali mali pa nga ang ibang mga salita. Bigla na lang tumulo ang mga luha ko. Eto pala ang dahilan kung bakit hindi niya ibinigay sa akin.

Ang nanay ng pinakamatalinong bata sa buong mundo ay hindi pala marunong magsulat.

***

Kahit mahirap lang kami, nakapagtapos ako ng abogasya at ngayon ay isa na sa pinakamatagumpay na abogada sa lungsod. Hinding hindi ko makakalimutan ang mga natutunan ko sa eskwelahan at higit sa lahat ang natutunan ko kay Nanay. Sinabi ko noon, darating ang araw na ako naman. At ngayon ang araw na iyon. Tuluyan na ngang dumaloy ang pinipigil kong mga luha habang pinagmamasdan si Nanay papasok sa kanyang klase.

Ako naman ngayon, Nanay.

Me, My Mom, Aunt and Ate

This is for my Mom- a story inspired by her. I hope someday she'd get to read it.

I have to say that my Dad couldn't have picked a better wife and my Dad's relatives couldn't hate her more. You see, my paternal Grandma's side was very matapobre. Naalala ko nung minsang naguwi ng babae ang pinsan ko sa ancestral house namin sa Pangasinan, hindi pa nakakaupo yung babae eh pinaalis na ng lola at mga tiyahin ko dahil mukha daw "golddigger at squatter". At least I have an idea kung kanino ako nagmana (sa panglalait lang ha).

Growing up, nakita ko kung pano maliitin ang nanay ko ng mga kamaganak namin dahil Grade 2 lang ang tinapos niya. Kasalanan ba niya kung maaga silang naulila at walang mga kamaganak na tumulong sa kanila? Ilang beses kong narinig na sinabihan siya ng "walang pinagaralan" kahit ng pinsan kong babae na kaedad ko lang. By the way, it only proves that education cannot buy class and good manners. Mahirap makita kung paano siya api-apihin habang wala ka namang magawa para ipagtanggol siya. Ano bang magagawa ko noon kundi tumahimik at pigilin ang pagiyak? Pero sinabi ko sa sarili ko, "P*tang ina niyong lahat makikita niyo balang araw..."

Now, me and my sister are having her home-schooled and I consider it one of my greatest achievements. Tuwang tuwa ako lalo na kapag sinasabihan ko siyang bawal manood ng Tayong Dalawa hangga't hindi tapos ang assignment niya. Hehehe... aba'y pagkakataon ko na ding gumanti.

Long Live the King! Long Live Love!

I never thought that I'd write a post for Michael Jackson. Not that I think he is un-postworthy, it's just that I know everyone's been writing about him the past few days and are very emotional about his death. I'm not a cold heartless bitch but I didn't think I could give Michael Jackson as much outpouring of emotions as other does. And I don't want to write about him just for the sake of writing about him. I don't write about anything unless I am utterly, greatly, moved.

I do consider him an ICON. Although I'm not that musically inclined, I tried to reach the higher notes of I'll Be There and You Are Not Alone as a kid. And I did, at one point in my life, try to imitate the moonwalk in vain. I mean, who didn't? I'm sure everyone tried to be a Michael Jackson at one point or another. And I'm not just talking about his creative talents.

As a kid, I idolized him and as an adult I tried to understand his actions. Everyone criticized what he's done to his physical appearance - lighter skin, thinner nose, deeper-set eyes and heaven knows what else. We all know it's a plastic surgery that went wrong but maybe (and my guess is just as good as yours) underneath all the facade is just a simple person trying to fit in a crowd - a kid trying so hard to please everyone. Just like me, just like you and just like everyone else.

I remember Michael Jackson, I remember "The Way You Make Me Feel" and I remember him changing the music industry and culture, as well. But what I won't forget, is him being a father (biological or not) who brought his daughter to great tears in his funeral.

At last I could say - I was utterly, greatly, moved.

To The One Who Stil Holds My Heart

>it's amazing how one person can break your heart
but more amazing that you still love him with all the little broken pieces...
this is just a very simple poem
but it's everything I have to say

Just the way he laughs
make me smile
The stars will be shamed
With the twinkle in his eyes
I’m at my happiest in his arms
And his voice caresses me like a child.
He tells me I’m beautiful
the best thing that happened to his life
He makes me at ease and comfortable
That I don’t have to pretend otherwise.
He calms my irrational fears
He never made me shed a tear
He holds my hand
And everything becomes clear.
He is my guiding star,
My angel in the dark.
He is my soulmate.
He is my heart.

Independence Day

Two things I rarely talk about - religion and politics. Not because it doesn't interest me but on the contrary, I feel strongly about these things. And I don't want to be like the rest of the imposing crowd who shove their opinions in others’ mouths. I definitely won’t do that BUT thanks to my blog, I can still voice out my POV.

I was in 2nd year high school when we had our debate in Social Studies: parliamentary vs. presidential system of governance. I forgot on which side I was but one of my main arguments was that it does not matter what political system we have. The power has always been in the hands of the masses. We had a revolutionary government, heck – even a dictatorial one and we endured both. I always believed we can survive in spite of whatever type of government we have. Unfortunately, I can’t say if that is still the case.

After EDSA I, came EDSA 2 which I think was a total disaster, after it was EDSA 3 which was an even more disastrous idea. Not only did those conniving bastards used the legacy of the first EDSA revolution for their own selfish intentions, they also ruined a Philippine honor. What sets apart EDSA I from its contemporaries was the very reason it existed. Filipinos were fighting for freedom - not for a politician, not for a political party, not for a political agenda. Not for anything but freedom.

Now, almost every rally has a political motive behind it. Majority of the people participate not because they’re fighting for their ideals but because they are promised a measly 300 pesos for their attendance (based on first-hand experience). Should we blame the users or the ones who allow themselves to be used?

What’s killing the country is not the constitutional change but the lack of our nation’s decent leaders and the good judgment of its followers. The rest just don’t care and they’re just as appalling. We’re all waiting for a Rizal or Bonifacio incarnate. But why do we need to wait when we can be the next one?

It all starts with a little step.

Perhaps, a step as little such as writing a blog about it.

I AM GROW UP

Warning: If you think I am referring to you, I probably am. So please, spare yourself the humiliation.

Note: I wrote this in my journal and reading it now, made me laugh like crazy so I just thought I would share. This is how bitchy I can get (sometimes ^__^). Forgive my arrogance.

Aaminin ko, hindi ako super ganda. Siguro minsan, kapag tipong pinalantsa yung buhok ko, nagmake up at nagdamit ng medyo sexy, I can make heads turn. But on an average day - buhaghag na buhok, namamagang eyebags at haggardness na, I doubt kung kahit magbobote eh papansinin ako.

Pero more than physical beauty, I take pride in knowing that I am smart. I was accelerated in elementary, studied in a science school in the metro, a lady engineer, freelance writer and sige na nga tama na at baka sabihin niyo nagyayabang ako.

At siyempre, the first thing I look for in a partner is yung may utak din. Hindi lahat ng naging boyfriend ko gwapo, pero lahat sila matalino. From the history of China to Coloumb's law of Electromagnetics - I learned it all from my exes. Kaya naman ng nakilala ko si Jon, nawindang ang lola niyo.

"Hmm, baka naman sa English lang siya bobo? Malay mo magaling sa Math?

Let's just put it this way. Mahina yung pick up niya. Like I have to explain everything. Kahit na tagalog pa.

"Well, siguro mahina lang siya sa logic. Pabayaan mo na, gwapo naman eh."

Yun lang. Super gwapo niya; maputi, may dimples sa magkabilang pisngi, matangos ang ilong, maganda ang katawan. A total eyecandy. At sabi nga nila - the best accessory is a gorgeous boyfriend. Kaso lang, just like what his other girlfriend said, "Pwede nang pangdisplay, wag mo lang pagsasalitain."

And yup, bobo na siya babaero pa. But, we'll get to that later.

I remember, nagulat na lang ako at may mga picture comments ako sa friendster. Wow, it nice post!

Nung una hindi ko magets. Poste ba? Wala namang poste sa picture ah. Or yung picture caption na pinost ko sa taas?

Hi. Thanks for your comments. Not sure what you mean though.

YOUR so pretty and POST is perfect. You can be a model.

Ah ok. Pose pala. I didn't attempt to correct him kasi hindi pa naman kami close at mukhang hindi naman siya masyado mahilig magenglish. Nung first time naming magusap sa phone, thank heavens at hindi niya ko pinakitaan ng kanyang eloquence.

Days went by. We dated hanggang sa sinagot ko na siya. Overall, he is nice naman; marunong makisama, masipag sa bahay, matiyaga, maasikaso. And our conversations progressed naman kahit paano. Kung dati puro what is your favorite color lang, napagusapan na din namin yung family issues, friendship, work, etc. Though it's not as educational or as profound, at least we can share each other's POVs.

Kaso may mga times talaga na sablay siya eh. And I was able to prove na hindi lang talaga siya mentally ungifted sa English, mababa talaga ang kanyang I.Q.

Isang araw, nanood kami ng sine - I forgot na what the movie was. All the time, he was checking my phone for text messages, I wasn't checking his. And it's not because hindi ako selosa.

"Teka bakit ba kanina ka pa check ng check ng phone ko ha. Patingin nga ng phone mo!"

"Lowbat nga eh tignan mo o ayaw mag on."

At dinemonstrate niya pa. He pressed on power and totoo nga ayaw mag on. But I snatched his phone away from his hands.

"Anong lowbat? Eh tinanggal mo ata ang battery nito eh!" I took the battery cover off and guess what - wala ngang battery.

"Please lang wag mo kong gagawin tanga dahil mataas ang IQ ko." Sabay walk out sa sinehan.

That night sorry siya ng sorry at kesyo magpapakamatay daw siya and other stupid pananakot. Okay, another chance then. After all, pinapasaya niya naman ako.


Babe, nagPERTO na ko ng PISH.


Oo na, 29 na ko. MADANDAN na ko.

*after a few minutes...

Ay, matanda pala.


Sige na HAPOY na ko, ashhole, gago, DECKHEAD.


Babe, tignan mo 'tong picture. Jan yung pinuntahan namin na RESORTS.


I don't wanna BUDTHER you anymore. Sorry if I BUDTHERED you. I'll let you go... but you'll always be TATTOO on my mind.


I used to be a cheater but NOT NOW ANYMORE.


Bat ba hindi ka nagttext? Don't EGNORE me naman. Basta sundo kita sa GREENHELS mamya.


Babe, hindi ako nakapagtext sau kanina. Hinimatay kc ako at dinala sa ospital

O__O'


I once told him, "Please, stop making stupid excuses. It's either intelligent excuses or no excuses at all."

To which he answered, "Huh anong excuse me? Wala naman akong sinabing excuse me ah."

Minsan, gusto ko na talagang tumumbling but nahawa na ata ako ng kabobohan sa kanya. I couldn't let him go. Sayang, super gwapo kasi niya (kung gusto niyo ng pic para patunay just PM me).

So, I offered to tutor him. Absolutely for free! Sagot ko pa merienda. Hayyy. Nagbabakasali ako na baka may pagasa pang magimprove ang kanyang mental capacity. After all, he's just 29 at siguro naman may humihinga pa siyang mga brain cells somewhere in between his ears.

Pero wala ding kwenta.

At wala talaga siyang kwenta because I found out that he cheated on me. And he cheated on me the week before Christmas. He spent Christmas with the girl. I knew because I saw the pics in his phone. And todo deny pa siya sa obvious. Andun na nga yung hard-core evidence. Kesyo nagpose lang daw sila in front of the Christmas tree sa Trinoma at nagloloko yung phone niya kaya Dec 25 ang date.

After all I did to him - kahit na lagi akong nagnonose bleed. Aarrrghhhh!

But he came back to me (as expected).

He called me one day saying that he was sorry and that he wanted to make it up to me. He realized that he really loved me at nadala lang daw siya ng selos.

I do admit, I was tempted to take him back. After all, I was used to being with him. In the three months that we were together, araw araw kami magkasama - we would jog in the morning, then he would take me to work, we'd text nonstop in those few hours we're not together, then he would pick me up from work everyday kahit na 5 AM ang out ko at imbiyerna ang mga best friends ko sa kanya. But I felt like I couldn't take it anymore.

"Jon, those few days we were apart - I realized a lot of things. I never cheated on you, I tried so hard to be a good girlfriend. May pagkukulang din ako, I was childish and I was a brat but you can never justify what you did. And this is not the first time it happened. Lagi na lang kitang pinapatawad."

"Babe mahal na mahal kita. Gagawin ko lahat..."

By this time, todo emote na talaga ko..."I don't know. Maybe I need to grow up, you need to grow up... We both need to grow up..."

"I AM GROW UP!"

Toinks! That was exactly what I needed. Then, I started laughing as in yung tawa na parang bruha.

"Bat ka tumatawa?"

"Mali yung English mo eh."

"I am grown... I grow... I have g-gro... I am matured, babe! Matured na ko!!!"

But I wasn't. I started laughing more.

"Ayan, sige pagtawanan mo ko. Akala mo ba hindi ko alam na lagi mo kong minamata? Oo na, bobo na ko. Hindi ako kasing talino mo eh.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh.”

Teka lang at bakit ako ang nagsosorry sa kanya?

“You know what? Aaminin ko you are not that mentally endowed. And maybe I am at fault dahil pinagtatawanan kita sometimes. Most of the time, pinipigilan ko naman eh. I never compared your intelligence with mine. There’s no use at all. And it’s not just because of your grammar or the way you pronounce words like the way you say pish instead of fish. Alam mo kung anong pinakabobong ginawa mo – yung saktan at lokohin ako.”

And ironically, that's when the tears started to flow while I whispered to myself... pero mas bobo ako dahil minahal kita...

Cold Summer Nights

In case you've wondered why I haven't updated my blog for a month now - I have been so busy trying to figure things out. Aside from rubbing elbows with death, I'm also trying my best to go back to my normal life and forget that very tragic night which I'll write about when I'm ready. I reckon I'm pretty much back to perfect shape but every now and then... the nightmares come back to visit.

Anyway, it has helped a lot that I went on a summer vacation with my best friends Marvin and Joe and my adorable brother, Rommel. Sadly, on our first day in Puerto Galera, we heard that a motorboat sank and 12 people died. We could have been on the same boat. I'm glad we weren't because only Marvin and Rommel know how to swim. I also kind of know how to, like I can float for a few seconds, but when someone talks to me, I swear I'll start sinking.

funny friendly faces

On a lighter note, we had a blast! Kebabs, mindoro fling er-- mindoro sling, kahlua, barbeques, sinigang, grilled squid, gays dancing, fruit shakes, hot guys and girls (for Rommel) were all over the place. I had a massage right by the beach and had my hair braided. I skipped the henna tattoo or else I'll be enticed to get a real one. Our mornings were spent taking hilarious pictures and nights were for dancing like crazy. Of course, people looked at us all the time like as if we got out of some mental institutions but we're used to it. Really.

my brother said he's glad we don't look alike so he can deny I'm his sister in case I do something stupid

One of those nicer shots

I had a hard time trying to suck all my stomach in




the jump shots (Rommel was laughing at us all the time)




My FHM shot hehe. Of course it's photoshopped




taken before we left our room




Here's to hoping I don't get too dark




and lastly, my favorite picture of the bunch - taken to remind someone what he's missing. Did I sense some bitterness there? lol

Lessons on the Floor

*This is dedicated to everyone who has been a call center agent. More posts about the call center life soon.


Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught – Oscar Wilde

Graduating with an engineering degree, I thought I was fully equipped with everything I need to embark on my journey as a full-pledge member of the working mass. But nothing, not even the fact that I spent almost half of my college life as a working student primed me for that whole new world out there. When I decided that I want to work in the flourishing call center industry, I was brimming with confidence. I thought I was ready to conquer. But I can’t be more wrong.

Curly call center agent in 2007 (don't look at my eyebags pls)

Aside from the fact that I flunked my first interview, my first months in the call center were a real challenge. I had to work overtime for a special English training since I kept stuttering on the phone. There were times when I wanted to quit, there were those calls that I thought would never end. And there were days of pure depression.

Nothing has prepared me for it. This is life – outside of the four walls of the classroom. Most of the time there are no retakes, special projects or room for mistakes. That’s when I realized it’s true; if you thought your professor was a terror wait ‘til you meet your supervisor and when all the theories and postulates can’t help you solve the problem, look around and start picking up lessons - lessons on the floor.

An irate customer asking for a supervisor, a talkative grandma who refuses to put the phone down, a billing or technical issue more complicated than a differential calculus problem– every call center agent dreads these kinds of calls. But I learned that this too shall pass. Every call is bound to end; it may take 10, 20 or heaven forbid 30 minutes but it will end. Just as every bad hair day, every heartache and broken period of your life will. It is just a matter of time.

One important call driver, and for me the most difficult to attain, is Average Handling Time or AHT. Seize the day – almost everyone has told me that. But not until I worked in this time-conscious industry, have I learned that every second is truly important. Every second contributes to every minute of every hour of my life that not one should be wasted in dead air or in a moment of not knowing what to do. Same in life – be dynamic, constantly seek and create defining moments.

Now, we sit around all day and we don’t sweat or overwork a muscle but it doesn’t mean that working in the call center is not a stressful job. There are times when it just gets to you – the complaints, the never-ending questions and technical problems, the waking up so early in the morning, the struggle of trying to stay awake when everyone else is soundly sleeping. It’s simply hard. But it is all a matter of proper mindset. Everything is.

Never assume. Mistakes are mostly born out of wrong assumptions. In this industry based on facts, this is a major blunder. That is why I have learned to always ask relevant questions and practice probing skills. Everything has an answer; it is just a matter of knowing the right questions to ask.

Lastly, when in doubt – log out. Well, not literally log-out but perhaps pause for a moment, take a deep breath, ask a question or escalate to Level 2. There are times when letting go is as noble as holding on. Don’t hold too long and too much when you know that things are irreparable and it is beyond your control to take actions. Learn to let go but do it in the proper way (don’t press release, okay?).

These are just some of the lessons that helped me survive every single day on the floor. These were the same things I have been taught of all my life. Not that I didn’t listen, it’s just that the most important lessons in life can never be taught - they have to be learned.

Not Made for Gym and Diet?

Note: For you Melai, as requested :)

One of the cons of working at home is that I sit all day watching my tummy grow from big to huge. Lately, I am having a hard time fitting into my old jeans (old means a couple of months old) and I'm scared to buy new ones in fear of learning that I have grown a size bigger.

Saleslady: Mam, ano pong size?
Me: Mmmm... 26. Saleslday: (looks from head to toe)
after a couple of minutes...
Me: Sige Miss. Hindi kasya eh.
Saleslady: (murmurs to herself) Sabi na nga ba eh. Feelingera! 26 lang daw waistline.

I hear my friends and family tell me all the time that I am getting fat, my tummy's getting bigger, I can no longer fit in the screen when they're taking my pictures and I've practically heard all synonyms of the word "fat" in the last couple of weeks. And it doesn't help that I'm an emotional eater - meaning I eat when I'm sad, I eat when I'm happy and I eat with every chance I get.

Losing weight means hard work and discipline, which is exactly the problem. I lack both.

- I tried the no rice diet for a week and felt lighter but the excess weight immediately returned after I consumed cups and cups of rice like a rice-starved prisoner.
FACT 1: I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT RICE.

- I tried to enroll in a gym and paid one year membership fee to remind myself to go everyday otherwise I have to blame myself for wasting my hard-earned money.
FACT 2: I'M STILL BLAMING MYSELF UP UNTIL NOW FOR WASTING HARD-EARNED MONEY.

- I tried those slimming capsules, slimming tea, Nesvita and all other L-carnitine drinks (whatever that is), green tea capsules and all other capsules except space capsule (corny) and I probably lost an imaginary one or two inches off my waistline but the thing is it immediately comes back after drinking iced tea and coke.
FACT 3: SLIMMING DRINKS WON'T WORK UNLESS YOU WANT TO DRINK BIGUERLAI EVERYDAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

- Being a Limewire addict, I also downloaded Hiphop abs and Pilates workout videos but I kept pressing the fast forward button everytime I have to lie on my back, do a legsplit or an egg roll and when I have to touch the back of my knee with my tongue.
FACT 4: WORKOUT VIDEOS ARE JUST FOR YOUR EYES AND SHOULD NEVER BE TRIED AT HOME.

And so I didn't attempt to lose weight until recently. I don't know whatever has gotten into me but I just decided that - this is it! I went to Fitness First Eastwood and spent a day at the gym. The trainer weighed me and to my utter shock I found out I'm already 125 lbs. My second fattest moment was when I was working at Sykes back in 2006 and I was only 118 lbs then. She also measured my body fat index and I was only 2 points away from the risky stage. That day I just told myself to do it.

I bought a 2-piece swimsuit at Tiendesitas, wore it and took pictures of myself using my cam (I will die first before I'll show it to anyone and by then I'm sure no one will want to see a dead person wearing a swimsuit 2 sizes smaller). I then disgusted myself by looking at my layers and layers of flabs. While doing that, I kept telling myself that four months later, I will fit beautifully into those little pieces of clothes. I also looked at my friends' pictures (specifically Andrea and Tracy looking oh so thin and criticized how fat I look when I'm with them).

TIP 1: Find something that will inspire/disgust/encourage you enough to lose weight. Ex. Paste your picture wearing only your undies besides Heidi Klum's own 2 months after she gave birth to her second child.

I started buying fruits and compromised with myself regarding my diet - I will eat rice only during breakfast and lunch. Everything that I eat after 6 comprises of fruits, biscuits and other light stuff. I never believed in denying myself of what I want to eat but I remind myself that there is always a right time and that you can't have it all (in one meal).

TIP 2: Make a deal with the devil (devil=yourself). When it comes to losing weight, you are your own worst enemy and best friend. The choice is entirely up to you.

Although I'm so lazy to go to the gym, Fitness First offers classes such as Latin, Bellydancing, BodyJam, etc. which to me is a lot more fun than carrying weights and doing situps. I realized that as long as I am enjoying the time I spend at the gym, it all becomes less of a work out and more of a leisure time. Add the fact that I work out alongside Asi Taulava, Carlos Morales, Mike Enriquez and er-- other hunky guys -- this is the wisest decision I made so far.

TIP 3: Do something that you truly enjoy until there's no more "work" only fun, fun, fun! If you really can't find any form of exercise or work out that you enjoy, go to a hypnotist who can make you believe that you really are strolling in Paris shopping for Louis Vuitton bags when in reality you are sweating out cleaning your room (all day) and your neighboor's room (all night).

Because of the hunky guys in FF, my gay friends are also hooked to working out in the gym. They became my new gym buddies. They tell me when I'm being lazy, when I'm not doing enough work, when I'm cheating, etc. etc. They also stop me from eating rice at night. And they hit me in the head when I stray from my routine and do something stupid like eating 3 donuts from Krispy Kreme.

TIP 4: Find a gym buddy or weight loss guru who would torture you when you a) forget to exercise b) eat chocolate c) sleep all day. Remind yourself not to kill your friend when he takes away your super supreme pizza.

I'm not criticizing anyone and I don't have anything against fat people. It's just that I prefer myself leaner and able to pose wearing swimsuits without looking like an overripe banana. And I think I owe it to myself to be fit, fabulous and sexy. Also, I'm not advertising Fitness First (for those who wants to enroll I can refer you to my agent, just text me). There are a lot of other ways to work out. You can jog in Circle, Rizal Park or in your neighborhood. You can also attend cheap 20-peso workout classes in Greenhills and QC Circle during mornings. You can ask your friends to play badminton or patintero or taguang tsinelas. Walk instead of taking the jeep. You can also work double time and walk with your arms from your home to your office. There are a lot of ways to lose weight. It's never an easy task so you should really, really and let me repeat - really, be determined. Think: DIET, EXERCISE and DISCIPLINE. You have to want it bad enough just as much as you want kaldereta and rocky road ice cream.

Oh and lastly, don't think about food too much.

Alone

how lonely can one's life get?
is it when you love someone you can't even touch -
you grasp for air to catch his scent
look into someone else's eyes hoping to see the twinkle that has always been in his?

is it when you live each day in all its naked glory
half-awake, never getting to where you want to be
and you settle for something less
hoping it would get better in time

you look at your face in the mirror
and you miss the you you've both left behind
you hold back your tears and say
this is just a phase...
a phase that you'll soon get over with
the same phase you've been in for the past two years

you gather all the courage you could muster
and take one step at a time
you die with each one
because you walk away from fate
and you choose not to love

someone please tell me...
how lonely can one's life get?

The Games People Play

I can't believe that even after almost a decade I still find myself losing on a game of Super Mario, of all things!

I've always been a gamer, even way back when I was in elementary. Remember when internet cafes were non existent and what we had back then were our very own version of a desktop - TV set and consoles like Nintendo and Family Computer (laughs out loud)? There was this place in the next corner of our street renting out Family Computer units for 40/hr. I was probably in Grade 2 then and me and my brother would often ask our Dad for 40 bucks just so we can play. And when our Dad would finally give in, we'd race to the shop and kill each other on who would be the first to play. Then before we knew it, our one hour is up.

Anyway, I won't make this post lengthy. I'm just ranting and now I'm going back to playing Need4Speed Prostreet (which I haven't finished) on my PS2. Gosh, I miss those days when there are only buttons B and A to push.

24

Turning 24 can be such a deadly thing. Gone are the days of the not-a-girl-not-yet-a-woman phase (so corny!) and the pressure of acting my age is unnerving! My friend referred to this as the quarter-life crisis, which can be so true. Days before my birthday, I found myself staring at the night sky, fighting the urge to recite "starlight, starbright". I became overly sentimental thinking about my inner conflicts and past baggage.

I realized that a lot of times, I still act like a 7-year old spoiled brat - to my younger brother's expense and at the same time expect him to act like a 20-year old man. Talking about double standards huh. But being childlike keeps me in touch with good memories and my dreams of a happily-ever-after so I guess it's okay as long as I do without my 7-year old tantrums and high pigtails.

Looking back, I never would have thought I would end up like this. I had a completely different plan for myself and my family, different values and different beliefs. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm less of a person now than what I envisioned myself to be. I just guess this wasn't what I expected. But nevertheless, I'm fabulous and I'm loving it!

Career-wise, I'm more determined and hard-working now. Wow! It was not the easiest road to take but not everyone finds a chance, the guts and the nerve to work for themselves. I don't work for IBM or Microsoft or some other big time companies but I'm proud to say that I work for myself and that maybe someday I would have other people say (with beaming pride) that they are proud to work for MY company, too. I don't mean to brag but you have to believe in yourself first before you can make others believe in you. Sometimes, all it takes is faith and a lot of convincing power. Believe me ;)

Of course, not everything is going well for me. They say that if you have a booming career then you should expect your love life to be zero. Mine is -1000. And it doesn't help that I'm getting paranoid about hitting thirty. Tick...tock...tick...tock... there goes my biological clock again. Women panic, period. But being single has given me time (lots of it) to reflect on my past relationships - where I went wrong, when I gave less or when I loved too much. I still believe in soulmates and the "one" but I don't think love should be ideal. It exists in all places, knows no time or boundaries. I would still like to end up with the "one" but even if I don't, I know that love will find its way back again. Perhaps, in another person or in another lifetime.

I have learned to let go but I know that it's not something that would happen overnight. What's important is that you start somewhere. I still hold on to past pains because it reminds me of everything that I've been through and I've overcome but at the same time I remind myself to let go of the hurt. Not an easy task but oftentimes, the only way to feel love is to remember pain. Forgive but don't forget.

All families are dysfunctional (in a way), life is indeed touch and go, people will leave you one way or another, you'll have bad skin and babyfats for at least once in your life. I have to accept that bad things happen to good people (like me) and it's not God being unfair. It's just life. I can list down all my bad experiences and compare notes with other people but what a waste of energy that will be. Right? Remind me again to focus on the good side of things.

Turning 24 means a year closer to hitting thirty, being more prone to wrinkles and a whole new level of pressure to settle down and have children and but it also means another year to laugh and love and live.

Another round of margarita for me - cheers to aging (gracefully)!

Sa Aking Paggising

Gumising ako ngayong araw na masama ang pakiramdam. Hindi dahil sa masakit yung likod ko. Hindi din dahil sa sobrang lamig ngayong mga araw na ito. Gumising ako pero sa isang banda, ayokong gumising. Naisip ko, isang araw na naman ang nagdaan - isang araw na walang kabuluhan.

Noong bata ako, nangarap akong maging abogado. Ngunit sa pagtanda ko, nakita ko na hindi lang pala ganun kasimple ang pagtupad sa mga pangarap - nagbabago ang mga plano, namamatay ang mga taong akala natin habang buhay nating makakasama, at madalas lumilipas ang oras ng hindi natin namamalayan. Hindi pala lahat ng tao na mabait sa 'tin ay talagang mabait at hindi lahat ng kaibigan ay magiging tapat. Nalaman ko na madalas tayong madadapa at hindi lahat ng sugat ay naghihilom. Minsan pwede mo ngang takpan ng bandaid pero hindi ibig sabihin ay basta na lang itong mawawala. Madalas, akala natin may kasama pa tayo pero hindi natin namamalayan, magisa na lang pala tayo at ang mga pangarap na binuo natin noon ay naglaho na sa ngayon.

Kaya nakontento na lang ako na makatapos ng kolehiyo at magpanggap na abogado habang nakikipagdebate sa mga kaibigan tungkol sa kasarian ni Piolo Pascual at kung tatangkad pa ba si GMA. Hindi na ko naniniwalang mabibilhan ko ng bahay at lupa ang nanay ko. Hindi ko din naman inasahan na sa pagtanda ko eh hindi na pala buo ang pamilya namin. Para ano pa? Hindi na din ako umaasang mapagtatapos ko ng kolehiyo and mga kapatid ko. Tingin ko naman, ayaw na din nilang magaral at mas bagay sa kanila ang maging gangster. At ang lalaking mahal ko, hindi na ko naniniwalang babalik siya, kaya ba't pa ako magaantay? Sayang lang ang makeup.

Pero ngayon, ang buhay ko isang malaking doughnut - butas sa gitna. Lahat ng ginagawa ko ngayon, wala ng saysay. Gumigising na lang ako dahil sa nagigising ako at hindi dahil may mga pangarap akong gustong tuparin, hindi dahil may mga tao akong gustong pasayahin at hindi dahil sa may kabuluhan ang buhay ko. Marahil aantayin ko na lang ang araw na hindi na ako gigising pa, at kung tatanungin ako ng Diyos kung sakali mang makakarating ako sa langit - "Anong ginawa mo sa buhay na pinagkaloob ko sa iyo?" Marahil ang isasagot ko lang ay isang malaking question mark.

Ngunit bakit ko nga ba hahayaang mangyari ito? Oo nga lahat ng bagay nagbabago pero may mga ibang bagay na hindi. Exactly my point, ano pa nga bang saysay ng buhay kung sasabay ka lang sa agos nito? Kailangan mong hanapin ang daang tatahakin mo, patuloy na mangarap para magkaroon ng inspirasyon at masaktan para matutong magmahal muli. Hindi tayo nabubuhay para maging robot lang at maging sunud-sunuran sa paniniwala ng ibang tao o sa dinidikta ng ating kultura o komunidad. Nabubuhay tayo para mangarap, magmahal at lumikha ng mga bagay na makubuluhan. At pag dumating ang araw na makaharap natin Siya may maisasagot tayo, "Madami akong nagawa sa buhay ko."

When life has meaning, you can bear almost anything. Without it, nothing is bearable.

Same Old New 2009

Yay! This is my first post for 2009.

I wish I could say 2008 ended with a bang for me. But not quite. I spent my Christmas hopping from house to house (Mom's to Grandpa's to a distant relative's). And I couldn't spell BORING more than sleeping throughout New Year's Eve. That's right. I was sleeping just when the clock struck 12 AM.

Oh and I got a couple of bath towels for Christmas (lol )and some cash which I really need (tyvm). I didn't shop for as many gifts as I did last Christmas due to the global financial crisis (it's affected me as well) but 2008 taught me a lot of things and I can say that it has paved the way for a brighter 2009.

Just a rundown of some highlights last 2008:
- moved out from my Grandpa's house, my home for almost 22 years
- resigned from my job as a call center agent
- "discovered" better work opportunities
- got my visa for Qatar and threw a couple of despedida parties only to withdrew the last minute
- stayed single (yey!)
- had my hair rebonded for the first time
- learned French (c'est dificile)
- wore a two-piece (for the first time too) with pics to boot
- got a US number
- closed a couple of "business deals"
- wrote a draft for my novel
- went to some beaches I haven't been to before
- had lighter skin
- bought my very first laptop
- rediscovered the meaning of "true" friendship and love

Of course, I had a lot of challenges too but ironically, I could only remember all the good things that happened to me. I'm thankful for the love from my family and friends and I can definitely say I love myself more and life just keeps getting better!

According to Female Network's 2009 prediction, 2009 is the year to bring Aquarians out into the world and that makes me even more excited. I take it from experience - their predictions are likely to be accurate. You can check out yours here --> http://www.femalenetwork.com/girltalk/index.php/topic,193330.0.html

Cheers to 2009!