24

Turning 24 can be such a deadly thing. Gone are the days of the not-a-girl-not-yet-a-woman phase (so corny!) and the pressure of acting my age is unnerving! My friend referred to this as the quarter-life crisis, which can be so true. Days before my birthday, I found myself staring at the night sky, fighting the urge to recite "starlight, starbright". I became overly sentimental thinking about my inner conflicts and past baggage.

I realized that a lot of times, I still act like a 7-year old spoiled brat - to my younger brother's expense and at the same time expect him to act like a 20-year old man. Talking about double standards huh. But being childlike keeps me in touch with good memories and my dreams of a happily-ever-after so I guess it's okay as long as I do without my 7-year old tantrums and high pigtails.

Looking back, I never would have thought I would end up like this. I had a completely different plan for myself and my family, different values and different beliefs. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm less of a person now than what I envisioned myself to be. I just guess this wasn't what I expected. But nevertheless, I'm fabulous and I'm loving it!

Career-wise, I'm more determined and hard-working now. Wow! It was not the easiest road to take but not everyone finds a chance, the guts and the nerve to work for themselves. I don't work for IBM or Microsoft or some other big time companies but I'm proud to say that I work for myself and that maybe someday I would have other people say (with beaming pride) that they are proud to work for MY company, too. I don't mean to brag but you have to believe in yourself first before you can make others believe in you. Sometimes, all it takes is faith and a lot of convincing power. Believe me ;)

Of course, not everything is going well for me. They say that if you have a booming career then you should expect your love life to be zero. Mine is -1000. And it doesn't help that I'm getting paranoid about hitting thirty. Tick...tock...tick...tock... there goes my biological clock again. Women panic, period. But being single has given me time (lots of it) to reflect on my past relationships - where I went wrong, when I gave less or when I loved too much. I still believe in soulmates and the "one" but I don't think love should be ideal. It exists in all places, knows no time or boundaries. I would still like to end up with the "one" but even if I don't, I know that love will find its way back again. Perhaps, in another person or in another lifetime.

I have learned to let go but I know that it's not something that would happen overnight. What's important is that you start somewhere. I still hold on to past pains because it reminds me of everything that I've been through and I've overcome but at the same time I remind myself to let go of the hurt. Not an easy task but oftentimes, the only way to feel love is to remember pain. Forgive but don't forget.

All families are dysfunctional (in a way), life is indeed touch and go, people will leave you one way or another, you'll have bad skin and babyfats for at least once in your life. I have to accept that bad things happen to good people (like me) and it's not God being unfair. It's just life. I can list down all my bad experiences and compare notes with other people but what a waste of energy that will be. Right? Remind me again to focus on the good side of things.

Turning 24 means a year closer to hitting thirty, being more prone to wrinkles and a whole new level of pressure to settle down and have children and but it also means another year to laugh and love and live.

Another round of margarita for me - cheers to aging (gracefully)!