Nights in a Decade

Do good things never last? Yes, never for a long time at least. The greatest things that will ever happen in your life will happen in a few seconds, a few days, a few years. It will come as swiftly as a morning breeze; just to whisper in your ear, to give you hope, to give you something to work hard for and dream of. You'll never know what you're missing until you find it, and you'll never be complete once you lose it. That is the tragedy of life; the deeper the love, the more it hurts. It always comes together - pain and love. And as always, it is the one thing that remains constant in my life, as well as everybody else's.


***It's been almost a year pero ngayon lang ako nakakapagmove on. Ang hirap kasi lagi akong nadedepress before... iyak ng iyak. Naiinis na sa kin mga kaibigan ko dahil wala akong ibang sinabi kundi alex alex alex. Pero sa totoo lang wala na siya at hindi na siya babalik. Finally, natanggap ko na din yun and ngayon I wanna be happy again. Sana maging in a relationship na uli status ko sa friendster lol.***

To Alex:



Remember you told me a few days after you left that you were my greatest test?

The day I met you I was unsure of where I was. I was in a relationship that has been emotionally tiring. I have long fallen out of love. One of the reasons was because I felt that I could have so much more and that I could be treated better… loved better. But I stayed because I cared for him and I told myself I can settle while waiting for the one. But you told me that being with the wrong person not only means I am miserably with the WRONG PERSON, it also means missing out my chances in finding the right one.

You taught me that love is indeed patient and kind. The best lesson I learned with you was that of loving myself more. You taught me that I should never settle for anything less than what I deserve. You taught me people will only treat me the way I allow them to. You taught me that I should be treasured, respected and loved. You taught me that I was worth waiting, worth traveling a thousand miles and worth living sleepless nights for. Every single day that we were together, you made me feel that I was the most beautiful girl in the world that even up to now I still feel (in my own weird way) that I am.

I know that most people will never understand what happened but that’s what makes it special. It’s something that only the two of us can ever share. My friends say it was just a fling, a summer romance, a friendship that got out of hand but love is not a switch that you turn on whenever you want and turn off when things get hard. When love comes, it comes and it will stay. That’s what you told me and that was what I exactly felt. We were together for only a week but I treasure each day as if those were our last. Every cab ride, every Starbucks cup, every road and every walkway in every mall that we went to – I cherish them all. All those moments when you gently held my hand and told me that you were happy because of me, those countless times your lips curved as you struggle to speak in Tagalog, all those small coincidences that might as well be miracles where God chose to be anonymous – everything tells me that you came for a reason. And you told me that that reason was for me to learn and pass my test.

That is why on the day you called and said you were leaving; I spent my last 500 bucks on a cab ride from Antipolo to Pasay.

That is why I chose to hold on to you even when we were separated by a continent or two (not sure… not good at geography) and seven hours.

That is why I chose to cry with you while seeing but not being able to hold you during those times we’d chat for endless hours.

That is why I chose to spend my money for overseas calls and 15-peso text messages.

That is why I chose not to go out on dates and stay faithful to you.

That is why I, when you said things got busier, tried to do your part to make the relationship work.

That is why I went against my better judgment and made up a lot of reasons to justify why you suddenly changed.

That is why I kept calling you even when you no longer answer my calls.

That is why I kept sending you emails even when I know you’re no longer reading them.

That is why I kept saying goodbye but I’m still not leaving.

I chose to hold on to you because you were my greatest test and you told me before that you would do everything for me to pass it.

That is why even after a year and 8 months since we last saw each other, a year since our last conversation and 5 months since your last text message, I am still here waiting.

I am miserable and I don’t feel loved in any way.

But still you taught me my lessons well.

I just hope I realized sooner.

I’ve finally found the courage to let you go… because I realized that everything you taught me was not about you but about me after all and that my greatest test was not loving you inspite of everything.

It was putting and loving myself first despite of all.

I never, not even for once, doubted that what we felt for each other was love. Having you was more than a big ego boost. I loved myself more because you loved me. And I know that I can never go back to where I was before I became a better version of me. There’s nothing that I feel for you but love and gratitude for every wonderful moment and for every lesson I learned.

And with that I can say at last, I’ve passed my greatest test.

And I’m letting myself free, finally.