Cold Summer Nights

In case you've wondered why I haven't updated my blog for a month now - I have been so busy trying to figure things out. Aside from rubbing elbows with death, I'm also trying my best to go back to my normal life and forget that very tragic night which I'll write about when I'm ready. I reckon I'm pretty much back to perfect shape but every now and then... the nightmares come back to visit.

Anyway, it has helped a lot that I went on a summer vacation with my best friends Marvin and Joe and my adorable brother, Rommel. Sadly, on our first day in Puerto Galera, we heard that a motorboat sank and 12 people died. We could have been on the same boat. I'm glad we weren't because only Marvin and Rommel know how to swim. I also kind of know how to, like I can float for a few seconds, but when someone talks to me, I swear I'll start sinking.

funny friendly faces

On a lighter note, we had a blast! Kebabs, mindoro fling er-- mindoro sling, kahlua, barbeques, sinigang, grilled squid, gays dancing, fruit shakes, hot guys and girls (for Rommel) were all over the place. I had a massage right by the beach and had my hair braided. I skipped the henna tattoo or else I'll be enticed to get a real one. Our mornings were spent taking hilarious pictures and nights were for dancing like crazy. Of course, people looked at us all the time like as if we got out of some mental institutions but we're used to it. Really.

my brother said he's glad we don't look alike so he can deny I'm his sister in case I do something stupid

One of those nicer shots

I had a hard time trying to suck all my stomach in




the jump shots (Rommel was laughing at us all the time)




My FHM shot hehe. Of course it's photoshopped




taken before we left our room




Here's to hoping I don't get too dark




and lastly, my favorite picture of the bunch - taken to remind someone what he's missing. Did I sense some bitterness there? lol

Lessons on the Floor

*This is dedicated to everyone who has been a call center agent. More posts about the call center life soon.


Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught – Oscar Wilde

Graduating with an engineering degree, I thought I was fully equipped with everything I need to embark on my journey as a full-pledge member of the working mass. But nothing, not even the fact that I spent almost half of my college life as a working student primed me for that whole new world out there. When I decided that I want to work in the flourishing call center industry, I was brimming with confidence. I thought I was ready to conquer. But I can’t be more wrong.

Curly call center agent in 2007 (don't look at my eyebags pls)

Aside from the fact that I flunked my first interview, my first months in the call center were a real challenge. I had to work overtime for a special English training since I kept stuttering on the phone. There were times when I wanted to quit, there were those calls that I thought would never end. And there were days of pure depression.

Nothing has prepared me for it. This is life – outside of the four walls of the classroom. Most of the time there are no retakes, special projects or room for mistakes. That’s when I realized it’s true; if you thought your professor was a terror wait ‘til you meet your supervisor and when all the theories and postulates can’t help you solve the problem, look around and start picking up lessons - lessons on the floor.

An irate customer asking for a supervisor, a talkative grandma who refuses to put the phone down, a billing or technical issue more complicated than a differential calculus problem– every call center agent dreads these kinds of calls. But I learned that this too shall pass. Every call is bound to end; it may take 10, 20 or heaven forbid 30 minutes but it will end. Just as every bad hair day, every heartache and broken period of your life will. It is just a matter of time.

One important call driver, and for me the most difficult to attain, is Average Handling Time or AHT. Seize the day – almost everyone has told me that. But not until I worked in this time-conscious industry, have I learned that every second is truly important. Every second contributes to every minute of every hour of my life that not one should be wasted in dead air or in a moment of not knowing what to do. Same in life – be dynamic, constantly seek and create defining moments.

Now, we sit around all day and we don’t sweat or overwork a muscle but it doesn’t mean that working in the call center is not a stressful job. There are times when it just gets to you – the complaints, the never-ending questions and technical problems, the waking up so early in the morning, the struggle of trying to stay awake when everyone else is soundly sleeping. It’s simply hard. But it is all a matter of proper mindset. Everything is.

Never assume. Mistakes are mostly born out of wrong assumptions. In this industry based on facts, this is a major blunder. That is why I have learned to always ask relevant questions and practice probing skills. Everything has an answer; it is just a matter of knowing the right questions to ask.

Lastly, when in doubt – log out. Well, not literally log-out but perhaps pause for a moment, take a deep breath, ask a question or escalate to Level 2. There are times when letting go is as noble as holding on. Don’t hold too long and too much when you know that things are irreparable and it is beyond your control to take actions. Learn to let go but do it in the proper way (don’t press release, okay?).

These are just some of the lessons that helped me survive every single day on the floor. These were the same things I have been taught of all my life. Not that I didn’t listen, it’s just that the most important lessons in life can never be taught - they have to be learned.

Not Made for Gym and Diet?

Note: For you Melai, as requested :)

One of the cons of working at home is that I sit all day watching my tummy grow from big to huge. Lately, I am having a hard time fitting into my old jeans (old means a couple of months old) and I'm scared to buy new ones in fear of learning that I have grown a size bigger.

Saleslady: Mam, ano pong size?
Me: Mmmm... 26. Saleslday: (looks from head to toe)
after a couple of minutes...
Me: Sige Miss. Hindi kasya eh.
Saleslady: (murmurs to herself) Sabi na nga ba eh. Feelingera! 26 lang daw waistline.

I hear my friends and family tell me all the time that I am getting fat, my tummy's getting bigger, I can no longer fit in the screen when they're taking my pictures and I've practically heard all synonyms of the word "fat" in the last couple of weeks. And it doesn't help that I'm an emotional eater - meaning I eat when I'm sad, I eat when I'm happy and I eat with every chance I get.

Losing weight means hard work and discipline, which is exactly the problem. I lack both.

- I tried the no rice diet for a week and felt lighter but the excess weight immediately returned after I consumed cups and cups of rice like a rice-starved prisoner.
FACT 1: I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT RICE.

- I tried to enroll in a gym and paid one year membership fee to remind myself to go everyday otherwise I have to blame myself for wasting my hard-earned money.
FACT 2: I'M STILL BLAMING MYSELF UP UNTIL NOW FOR WASTING HARD-EARNED MONEY.

- I tried those slimming capsules, slimming tea, Nesvita and all other L-carnitine drinks (whatever that is), green tea capsules and all other capsules except space capsule (corny) and I probably lost an imaginary one or two inches off my waistline but the thing is it immediately comes back after drinking iced tea and coke.
FACT 3: SLIMMING DRINKS WON'T WORK UNLESS YOU WANT TO DRINK BIGUERLAI EVERYDAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

- Being a Limewire addict, I also downloaded Hiphop abs and Pilates workout videos but I kept pressing the fast forward button everytime I have to lie on my back, do a legsplit or an egg roll and when I have to touch the back of my knee with my tongue.
FACT 4: WORKOUT VIDEOS ARE JUST FOR YOUR EYES AND SHOULD NEVER BE TRIED AT HOME.

And so I didn't attempt to lose weight until recently. I don't know whatever has gotten into me but I just decided that - this is it! I went to Fitness First Eastwood and spent a day at the gym. The trainer weighed me and to my utter shock I found out I'm already 125 lbs. My second fattest moment was when I was working at Sykes back in 2006 and I was only 118 lbs then. She also measured my body fat index and I was only 2 points away from the risky stage. That day I just told myself to do it.

I bought a 2-piece swimsuit at Tiendesitas, wore it and took pictures of myself using my cam (I will die first before I'll show it to anyone and by then I'm sure no one will want to see a dead person wearing a swimsuit 2 sizes smaller). I then disgusted myself by looking at my layers and layers of flabs. While doing that, I kept telling myself that four months later, I will fit beautifully into those little pieces of clothes. I also looked at my friends' pictures (specifically Andrea and Tracy looking oh so thin and criticized how fat I look when I'm with them).

TIP 1: Find something that will inspire/disgust/encourage you enough to lose weight. Ex. Paste your picture wearing only your undies besides Heidi Klum's own 2 months after she gave birth to her second child.

I started buying fruits and compromised with myself regarding my diet - I will eat rice only during breakfast and lunch. Everything that I eat after 6 comprises of fruits, biscuits and other light stuff. I never believed in denying myself of what I want to eat but I remind myself that there is always a right time and that you can't have it all (in one meal).

TIP 2: Make a deal with the devil (devil=yourself). When it comes to losing weight, you are your own worst enemy and best friend. The choice is entirely up to you.

Although I'm so lazy to go to the gym, Fitness First offers classes such as Latin, Bellydancing, BodyJam, etc. which to me is a lot more fun than carrying weights and doing situps. I realized that as long as I am enjoying the time I spend at the gym, it all becomes less of a work out and more of a leisure time. Add the fact that I work out alongside Asi Taulava, Carlos Morales, Mike Enriquez and er-- other hunky guys -- this is the wisest decision I made so far.

TIP 3: Do something that you truly enjoy until there's no more "work" only fun, fun, fun! If you really can't find any form of exercise or work out that you enjoy, go to a hypnotist who can make you believe that you really are strolling in Paris shopping for Louis Vuitton bags when in reality you are sweating out cleaning your room (all day) and your neighboor's room (all night).

Because of the hunky guys in FF, my gay friends are also hooked to working out in the gym. They became my new gym buddies. They tell me when I'm being lazy, when I'm not doing enough work, when I'm cheating, etc. etc. They also stop me from eating rice at night. And they hit me in the head when I stray from my routine and do something stupid like eating 3 donuts from Krispy Kreme.

TIP 4: Find a gym buddy or weight loss guru who would torture you when you a) forget to exercise b) eat chocolate c) sleep all day. Remind yourself not to kill your friend when he takes away your super supreme pizza.

I'm not criticizing anyone and I don't have anything against fat people. It's just that I prefer myself leaner and able to pose wearing swimsuits without looking like an overripe banana. And I think I owe it to myself to be fit, fabulous and sexy. Also, I'm not advertising Fitness First (for those who wants to enroll I can refer you to my agent, just text me). There are a lot of other ways to work out. You can jog in Circle, Rizal Park or in your neighborhood. You can also attend cheap 20-peso workout classes in Greenhills and QC Circle during mornings. You can ask your friends to play badminton or patintero or taguang tsinelas. Walk instead of taking the jeep. You can also work double time and walk with your arms from your home to your office. There are a lot of ways to lose weight. It's never an easy task so you should really, really and let me repeat - really, be determined. Think: DIET, EXERCISE and DISCIPLINE. You have to want it bad enough just as much as you want kaldereta and rocky road ice cream.

Oh and lastly, don't think about food too much.

Alone

how lonely can one's life get?
is it when you love someone you can't even touch -
you grasp for air to catch his scent
look into someone else's eyes hoping to see the twinkle that has always been in his?

is it when you live each day in all its naked glory
half-awake, never getting to where you want to be
and you settle for something less
hoping it would get better in time

you look at your face in the mirror
and you miss the you you've both left behind
you hold back your tears and say
this is just a phase...
a phase that you'll soon get over with
the same phase you've been in for the past two years

you gather all the courage you could muster
and take one step at a time
you die with each one
because you walk away from fate
and you choose not to love

someone please tell me...
how lonely can one's life get?

The Games People Play

I can't believe that even after almost a decade I still find myself losing on a game of Super Mario, of all things!

I've always been a gamer, even way back when I was in elementary. Remember when internet cafes were non existent and what we had back then were our very own version of a desktop - TV set and consoles like Nintendo and Family Computer (laughs out loud)? There was this place in the next corner of our street renting out Family Computer units for 40/hr. I was probably in Grade 2 then and me and my brother would often ask our Dad for 40 bucks just so we can play. And when our Dad would finally give in, we'd race to the shop and kill each other on who would be the first to play. Then before we knew it, our one hour is up.

Anyway, I won't make this post lengthy. I'm just ranting and now I'm going back to playing Need4Speed Prostreet (which I haven't finished) on my PS2. Gosh, I miss those days when there are only buttons B and A to push.

24

Turning 24 can be such a deadly thing. Gone are the days of the not-a-girl-not-yet-a-woman phase (so corny!) and the pressure of acting my age is unnerving! My friend referred to this as the quarter-life crisis, which can be so true. Days before my birthday, I found myself staring at the night sky, fighting the urge to recite "starlight, starbright". I became overly sentimental thinking about my inner conflicts and past baggage.

I realized that a lot of times, I still act like a 7-year old spoiled brat - to my younger brother's expense and at the same time expect him to act like a 20-year old man. Talking about double standards huh. But being childlike keeps me in touch with good memories and my dreams of a happily-ever-after so I guess it's okay as long as I do without my 7-year old tantrums and high pigtails.

Looking back, I never would have thought I would end up like this. I had a completely different plan for myself and my family, different values and different beliefs. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm less of a person now than what I envisioned myself to be. I just guess this wasn't what I expected. But nevertheless, I'm fabulous and I'm loving it!

Career-wise, I'm more determined and hard-working now. Wow! It was not the easiest road to take but not everyone finds a chance, the guts and the nerve to work for themselves. I don't work for IBM or Microsoft or some other big time companies but I'm proud to say that I work for myself and that maybe someday I would have other people say (with beaming pride) that they are proud to work for MY company, too. I don't mean to brag but you have to believe in yourself first before you can make others believe in you. Sometimes, all it takes is faith and a lot of convincing power. Believe me ;)

Of course, not everything is going well for me. They say that if you have a booming career then you should expect your love life to be zero. Mine is -1000. And it doesn't help that I'm getting paranoid about hitting thirty. Tick...tock...tick...tock... there goes my biological clock again. Women panic, period. But being single has given me time (lots of it) to reflect on my past relationships - where I went wrong, when I gave less or when I loved too much. I still believe in soulmates and the "one" but I don't think love should be ideal. It exists in all places, knows no time or boundaries. I would still like to end up with the "one" but even if I don't, I know that love will find its way back again. Perhaps, in another person or in another lifetime.

I have learned to let go but I know that it's not something that would happen overnight. What's important is that you start somewhere. I still hold on to past pains because it reminds me of everything that I've been through and I've overcome but at the same time I remind myself to let go of the hurt. Not an easy task but oftentimes, the only way to feel love is to remember pain. Forgive but don't forget.

All families are dysfunctional (in a way), life is indeed touch and go, people will leave you one way or another, you'll have bad skin and babyfats for at least once in your life. I have to accept that bad things happen to good people (like me) and it's not God being unfair. It's just life. I can list down all my bad experiences and compare notes with other people but what a waste of energy that will be. Right? Remind me again to focus on the good side of things.

Turning 24 means a year closer to hitting thirty, being more prone to wrinkles and a whole new level of pressure to settle down and have children and but it also means another year to laugh and love and live.

Another round of margarita for me - cheers to aging (gracefully)!

Sa Aking Paggising

Gumising ako ngayong araw na masama ang pakiramdam. Hindi dahil sa masakit yung likod ko. Hindi din dahil sa sobrang lamig ngayong mga araw na ito. Gumising ako pero sa isang banda, ayokong gumising. Naisip ko, isang araw na naman ang nagdaan - isang araw na walang kabuluhan.

Noong bata ako, nangarap akong maging abogado. Ngunit sa pagtanda ko, nakita ko na hindi lang pala ganun kasimple ang pagtupad sa mga pangarap - nagbabago ang mga plano, namamatay ang mga taong akala natin habang buhay nating makakasama, at madalas lumilipas ang oras ng hindi natin namamalayan. Hindi pala lahat ng tao na mabait sa 'tin ay talagang mabait at hindi lahat ng kaibigan ay magiging tapat. Nalaman ko na madalas tayong madadapa at hindi lahat ng sugat ay naghihilom. Minsan pwede mo ngang takpan ng bandaid pero hindi ibig sabihin ay basta na lang itong mawawala. Madalas, akala natin may kasama pa tayo pero hindi natin namamalayan, magisa na lang pala tayo at ang mga pangarap na binuo natin noon ay naglaho na sa ngayon.

Kaya nakontento na lang ako na makatapos ng kolehiyo at magpanggap na abogado habang nakikipagdebate sa mga kaibigan tungkol sa kasarian ni Piolo Pascual at kung tatangkad pa ba si GMA. Hindi na ko naniniwalang mabibilhan ko ng bahay at lupa ang nanay ko. Hindi ko din naman inasahan na sa pagtanda ko eh hindi na pala buo ang pamilya namin. Para ano pa? Hindi na din ako umaasang mapagtatapos ko ng kolehiyo and mga kapatid ko. Tingin ko naman, ayaw na din nilang magaral at mas bagay sa kanila ang maging gangster. At ang lalaking mahal ko, hindi na ko naniniwalang babalik siya, kaya ba't pa ako magaantay? Sayang lang ang makeup.

Pero ngayon, ang buhay ko isang malaking doughnut - butas sa gitna. Lahat ng ginagawa ko ngayon, wala ng saysay. Gumigising na lang ako dahil sa nagigising ako at hindi dahil may mga pangarap akong gustong tuparin, hindi dahil may mga tao akong gustong pasayahin at hindi dahil sa may kabuluhan ang buhay ko. Marahil aantayin ko na lang ang araw na hindi na ako gigising pa, at kung tatanungin ako ng Diyos kung sakali mang makakarating ako sa langit - "Anong ginawa mo sa buhay na pinagkaloob ko sa iyo?" Marahil ang isasagot ko lang ay isang malaking question mark.

Ngunit bakit ko nga ba hahayaang mangyari ito? Oo nga lahat ng bagay nagbabago pero may mga ibang bagay na hindi. Exactly my point, ano pa nga bang saysay ng buhay kung sasabay ka lang sa agos nito? Kailangan mong hanapin ang daang tatahakin mo, patuloy na mangarap para magkaroon ng inspirasyon at masaktan para matutong magmahal muli. Hindi tayo nabubuhay para maging robot lang at maging sunud-sunuran sa paniniwala ng ibang tao o sa dinidikta ng ating kultura o komunidad. Nabubuhay tayo para mangarap, magmahal at lumikha ng mga bagay na makubuluhan. At pag dumating ang araw na makaharap natin Siya may maisasagot tayo, "Madami akong nagawa sa buhay ko."

When life has meaning, you can bear almost anything. Without it, nothing is bearable.

Same Old New 2009

Yay! This is my first post for 2009.

I wish I could say 2008 ended with a bang for me. But not quite. I spent my Christmas hopping from house to house (Mom's to Grandpa's to a distant relative's). And I couldn't spell BORING more than sleeping throughout New Year's Eve. That's right. I was sleeping just when the clock struck 12 AM.

Oh and I got a couple of bath towels for Christmas (lol )and some cash which I really need (tyvm). I didn't shop for as many gifts as I did last Christmas due to the global financial crisis (it's affected me as well) but 2008 taught me a lot of things and I can say that it has paved the way for a brighter 2009.

Just a rundown of some highlights last 2008:
- moved out from my Grandpa's house, my home for almost 22 years
- resigned from my job as a call center agent
- "discovered" better work opportunities
- got my visa for Qatar and threw a couple of despedida parties only to withdrew the last minute
- stayed single (yey!)
- had my hair rebonded for the first time
- learned French (c'est dificile)
- wore a two-piece (for the first time too) with pics to boot
- got a US number
- closed a couple of "business deals"
- wrote a draft for my novel
- went to some beaches I haven't been to before
- had lighter skin
- bought my very first laptop
- rediscovered the meaning of "true" friendship and love

Of course, I had a lot of challenges too but ironically, I could only remember all the good things that happened to me. I'm thankful for the love from my family and friends and I can definitely say I love myself more and life just keeps getting better!

According to Female Network's 2009 prediction, 2009 is the year to bring Aquarians out into the world and that makes me even more excited. I take it from experience - their predictions are likely to be accurate. You can check out yours here --> http://www.femalenetwork.com/girltalk/index.php/topic,193330.0.html

Cheers to 2009!

Love Reincarnate

"Please bring him back to me."

"Ah." The Master was thoughtful. "What would you do if I brought him back? Would you love him better? Or would you just love him because of what he could do for you?"

"I would love him unconditionally." She replied like that because the Master always emphasized that they had been born to learn unconditional love. But he laughed at her answer.

"You can love him unconditionally now. You don't need to see him. The only reason you want to see him is so you can get something from him." The Master shook his head. "I have seen you go through this more times than you remember. When you are with him it is all feverish. You become so entangled, so attached. Is it any wonder the universe should take him from you? No, you don't need him. You have me, you have God. It is enough that we love you."

Once more, though, he read her mind.

"I see that all this pain is good for you," he said. "It turns you back to your inner self. You do not have to be so emotionally needy. Close your eyes and be still." He tapped her on the head once again with his rose. "Go now. Rest."

She was shocked at the sudden dismissal. "But I am still so hurt."

"Emotions come and go - your hurt cannot last."

She stood up reluctantly. "Will I see him again?"

The Master closed his eyes briefly. "Yes."

"In this life?"

But that question he would not answer.

- Christopher Pike, The Midnight Club

After a while (a life without him)

I cannot imagine how hard it must to be for you. I'm really happy to get a mail from you. I'm happy to know you haven't forgotten me even if you should... By my side I'm still thinking of you and I miss you a lot but i feel powerless. I wish to do many things but i can't. Meeting you was wonderful and at the same time the most hurtful thing that happened in my life. I wish to tell you so many things but i shouldn't. Just want to let you know you are a really important person for me and you will always be. Take care.
- an email from him| read for the nth time

It's been a while
and i'm back to my life
dark and uninspired
without you.
Words just seem to jumble
i couldn't find the rhyme
everything's a black hole.
I used to pull tricks off my sleeves
but they're now sand on my hands
slipping away.

My world is a big mess
i can't pick up the pieces
i fall everytime i try to make a stand
i try to move forward but i always fall behind,
I used to be happy on my own
but now i never felt more alone
i'm slipping
slipping away...

It's been a while
and i'm back to my life without you
i'm trying to be strong
trying to move on
i hide each tear with my smiles
laughter is the best disguise
im glad to be free
but when its only me
the lights go dim
and i'm slowly slipping
slipping away...