Buy Me Buy Me Ebay!

I've always been a shopaholic. I'm the only eternally broke shopaholic in the whole world. Lately, I've been confined in the realms of my abode thus I needed to set aside my favorite hobby - window shopping.

But - when there's a will, there's a way! And soon, I found myself logging in the world of eBay.

A few weeks later, I've consumed all my savings (again). I placed bid on 5 bags (yes, five!), Victoria's Secret lotion and body spray, a digicam, maybelline lipstick, a Fiorucci wallet and probably something else that I missed. I didn't know I would be that lucky (?) to win all of it. After contemplating whether I should risk my eBay feedback or one month worth of groceries - I decided I'm gonna get 'em. Here are some of my purchases.

My favorite bag as of press time - brand new Debenhams bag for 350 Php

Brand new (with tags!) No Boundaries Hobo Bags in D and K for 200 Php

Victoria's Secret lotion for 200 Php

Brand new (with tag!) Fiorucci wallet for 200 Php

brand new Rampage barrel bag for 133 Php

Isn't it a handful? Now, there's one more thing left to do - put eBay in my list of blocked websites.

Whew!

Fuck/Love

Ooooohhh… oooooohhhh

Faster… Faster than the beat of my wild heart. His breath into my ear reminds me of all the moans and stifled cries of the men who passed into my life.

Aaaaahhh… ahhhhhhhhhh

Harder… he grips me harder. His one hand clasps my arms and the other squeezes my now swollen breast. He digs beyond my body and into my very soul. I almost choked with his grasp.

Each trace of his tongue in my body, each feel of his lips, each kiss brings tears to my heart. My body is on fire but my heart is numb.

His wholeness pierce at my flesh. I could feel his throbbing manhood sway to the rhythm of this ancient dance. Slower at first, carefully accelerating – pounding like a mad man, thrusting deeper beneath the surface, delving into my existence, triggering emotions I had shunned many times before.

He looks into my eyes and I see his soul soar up in the sky while I - remained on the ground.

He flowed into me and he remained. He flowed into my veins and poisoned my flesh, my blood, my body.

The aftermath of it all – a good f***. Void of emotion. Void of words. Just lust. Pure lust.

He took his clothes and walked away. Probably forever. Just as others have walked and closed the door. He treaded their footsteps and he too, did not see the tears nor did he feel the my pain. He, too would never know.

I don’t need a good f***.

I just need true love.

Runaway

In life, make sure you are running towards something, not away from something.

I spent the rainy Wednesday morning curled up in bed, texting and reading Nights in Rodanthe by NIcholas Sparks. I came across that line, and just had to stop. I put down the book and just breathed a heavy sigh.

I am always running away from people, situations and even memories. For me, the best way to handle difficult times is not to handle them at all. Run away, pretend they don't exist, change numbers, do not talk to them, fool myself and go on with life tucking away all that's bothering me in a trunk already flowing with those that I have hidden before.

CONFESSIONS

This year was a year of hide and seek for me, I was always on the go (as usual), moving from place to place, running away from people. I quit my job at Sykes (a great company) because I wanted to run away from someone and thought that this would be the best thing for us. When tragedy happened, I walked out from it and told myself, it never did. I had a row with my sister, and for several months now, I have been trying to pretend that my sister doesn't exist (how stupid!). I met someone, worked at a new company - Siemens, I got depressed but I didn't want to cry or worry. I just wanted to move on and get on with life. I quit my job and just ignored whatever was happening with my life. Now, I am at NuComm, a new company with new people around me. I am not here because I wanted to be here, I just didn't want to be in the same place. (Aside from having fun,) I went out on dates, went partying and met new people not to look for someone but to forget someone. Now, I know why it never worked out.

I never wanted to stay. I just wanted to run away.

I guess, that is the reason why time passes me by without really knowing where to go to. But my life has not been stagnant, it has been in constant and rapid motion. I have lots of things going on around me and I can definitely say that I am not in the same place I was before. I have changed but I was driven by the wrong reasons, I have been fighting for the wrong side all this time.

Carefree - that's what they call me. My mantra is, "throw away your worries and keep your fingers crossed that they will disappear in time." Sometimes, it works but I realized I have to grow up and take charge of my life. Stop hoping that God will have mercy on me, or my family will rescue me in the ravine of my own land, or that one day it will go forgotten. I know being worry-less is a fun way to live. But flowers never bloom with the sun alone. We all need a little rain sometimes... and this time, I am not throwing anything but my umbrella and I will let myself be drenched in the rain.

early mid-life crisis

Who said that life crisis are for only those who have thinning hairs, immaculate baby fats and boring jobs? Why isn't there an early20s life crisis or at least a mid 20s one? Surely, the earlier we start the faster we can get it resolved (statistically speaking).

Having a crisis is good in a way. You've got an excuse to be upset, to be not so nice, to be late for work (I hope my boss doesnt read this), to book a 5000-buck massage charged to your Visa card, to stay locked up in your room without your Mom screaming at you every 5 minutes, to go to Panglao without asking permission from anyone, to shop and have an emergency full-wardrobe change, to have your nails done every other day or so... that is if you are Zobel/Ayala/Cojuangco's relative to the 6th degree. You may even have a chance to sleep at their guestroom. sabi nga sa Bergdorf Blondes - beyond!!!

But for an average working girl like me who only gets 18,000 a month minus taxes, toiletries, groceries, Mom/younger bro/youngest bro/nieces commission/facial/plus other kupits the most you can do is stay in your room, eat chippy, be late for work and be fired, meetup with your friends and cry over coffee while endlessly ranting why there are gays who are happily living with a straight gorgeous guy (maybe they are rich or better with heads) - going thru a crisis is such a terrible terrible thing. It's like going thru a... well, a crisis for that matter. And when you get so clinically depressed you want to literally delete your friends - in friendster, multiply, myspace, hi5 and all social/sexual/mental networking sites known to man. In short you just want to be invisible or sabi nga sa Tagalog... kung pwede lang lamunin ako ng lupa. But then again that would be so unchic. I'd rather be the invisible girl and sneak into Piolo Pascual's room and watch him all night longggg... now that would be a more dignified way to go through this.

So... here I am trying to pick myself up. I want to gather all my scattered pieces and dump them all in one place so that I can sort things easier. Hopefully I will overcome another challenege in this life and emerge more beautiful than ever.

Just like what they say, from tragedy comes beauty. I say from crisis comes a beauty queen er... something like that. Move over mid-life crisis!

Kanlungan

ang dilim ang aking liwanag

at ang buwan ang aking araw

humihigop, ako'y nalulunod

sa limot ng pangako

tila isang islang nilamon ng karagatan...

ang dilim ang aking liwanag

at ang dapithapon ay bukang-liwayway

nagaanyaya, nangaakit

ng isang umagang

papawi sa hapdi ng gabi...

ang dilim ang aking liwanag

at dito ako'y nararapat

pagkat ang dilim ang aking kanlungan

pagkat sa dilim ay kung saan ang alaala mo'y naroon

ang iyong himig ang katahimikan

at ang tibok ng iyong puso ang siyang papawi

sa liwanag

sa liwanag kung saan ika'y wala na...

Bilanggo

para kay kuya manuel na nagbigay inspirasyon sa talatang ito.

Paalis ako papauntang Baguio dala-dala ang maletang hiniram ko kay Allan na ang laman ay puro miniskirt at shorts (dahil naniniwala ako sa kasabihang pack light na ako din naman ang nagimbento). Nadaanan ko si Kuya Manuel umiinom dun sa kanto.

"Makikipagdate ka na naman," ang sabi niya.

"Hindi noh. Papasok ako sa opisina," palusot ko. Kahit na alam na ng buong baranggay sa min na tuluyan na kong nagretiro sa pagiging "kolgirl".

Bakit nga ba ako tinamad sa pagtratrabaho? Yun ang tinatanong ko sa aking sarili habang inaakyat namin ang ecotrail sa Camp John Hay. Rasyonal ba ang dahilan ko? Dahil lang sa batugan ako at ayaw ko ng magtrabaho? O marahil ayokong makulong sa isang mundong puno ng bawal kung saan bawat galaw at pindot mo sa telepono ay narerekord, bawat cr at lunch break ay inoorasan at bawat salita ay dapat naayon sa "call flow". Siguro nga.

Sabi nga nila masyado kong mahal ang aking kalayaan. At bakit hindi, ipinaglaban pa yan nila Rizal at Bonifacio at maging ng mga ninuno nating nawalan na ng mukha at pangalan. Hindi ba't nararapat lang na ipagpatuloy ang laban? Makibaka para sa kalayaan! (Patalsikin si Gloria!!!)

Subalit ngayon, pagkalipas ng labingsiyam na araw kong pagiging istambay, limang araw ng bakasyon sa Baguio, anim na oras pagkagaling sa Laguna at Tagaytay, apatnaputpitong minuto matapos kong malaman na patay na si Kuya Manuel ay napagmunimuni ko na ako'y nagkamali rin. Ang kalayaan hindi natatamo sa pagtalikod sa digmaan. Hindi rin nakukuha o naibabalik. Hindi dahil istambay ka ay malaya ka na. Hindi naman dun natatapos ang mga bawal sa mundo. Walang taong ipinanganak na malaya. Hindi pa nga tayo naisisilang bilanggo na tayo ng pangarap ng ating mga magulang. "Tong anak kong to, magiging boksingero to pag laki kagaya ni Manny at ibibili ako ng mansyon at magagarang auto." Bilanggo na tayo ng ating pangalan at apelyido, kasarian, bansa, relihiyon, kultura at kung anu-ano pang tanikala. Bilanggo na tayo bago pa man naging tao at marahil ang mundong ito ang ating Bilibid.

Kaya para sa iyo Kuya Manuel na madalas kong makita sa kanto, umiinom o minsan naman ay nagpapaypay ng barbeque - maswerte ka. Laya ka na.

My Last Goodbye

for alex

I'm tired of pretending
that you'll come back one day
tired of saying
you always wanted to stay
i've counted so many nights
by myself
left out in our past

I'm sick of waiting
for the letters that never came
i'm scared of finding
that this is all just a game
i've died a million times
with this pain
do you even care?

And i keep telling myself
this is going to be my last goodbye
I keep telling my friends
this is going to be my one last cry
but everytime i wake up
i give it another try
I just can't say goodbye
to that one person in my life
I cant give up
why can't i?

I'm tired of hoping
that tomorrow will get better
that you'll come back
and promise forever
how can i not be trapped
when you're my only
way out

Just as a flower craves for rain
i yearn for your flood
to take me away...

STARGAZING

I used to love looking at the sky, counting the stars while my hand is clasped into yours. I would tell you my plans for us; I'd go abroad, find a decent job and save for our future. Then I would be your wife. I would take care of you and our children. I would spend each day of my life with you. Can you still remember what I used to tell you?

"I will always be here, always..."

Do you see that light?

No that's not a star. That's the light of the star that has long been extinguished. The star from which the light came from is gone but its light has continued to glow, to give light, to guide.

I am like that star.

You may think that I've left you and today you'll cry a river of tears. You'll mourn for me, be in denial of my death but time will come you'll find the strength to move on. And someday I might be forgotten. You will find a new love while my memory will slowly fade. I know one day, you'll look at the same sky. Your hand clasped into someone's. You would tell her your plans for the two of you. You will look at the sky without feeling pain for my loss. Instead you will be thankful.

Though I won't be able to share the future with you, yesterday is enough for me to carry on. A moment with you is all that I could ask for. And seeing you happy is enough consolation.

No, i dont dread the coming of that day, surely. For while you're looking at the sky, I will be looking down on you. And i will still whisper, "I will always be here, always..."

Takipsilim

Kung ang langit
Sakbibi ng ulap, ulan at kidlat
Ang magiging saksi
Sa aking paghapis -

Pusong balatkayo
Alaala ng nakaraan
Ang siyang pananggalang

Sa ngayon
Pagkat ang buhay
Nanimdim, nawalay...

Ang langit ay tumigil at
nagpakaluhod sa lupa
Nagmakaawa sa putik
Na ako ay ibalik
sa iyong mga yakap

At ang ulan ay lumuha
at dumurog sa mga rosas sa hardin ni Eba
at unti unting umapaw
sa nagaalimpuyo kong puso

AIla'y nagmakaawa
Kaisa ng aking kaluluwa
Na ikaw ay magbalik

Ng ulan ay manatiling ulan
Na papawi sa aking hapdi
At ang pagibig manatiling dahilan
Sa pagpatak ng kanyang awa.

The Search is On

If only finding a boyfriend is as simple as finding a laptop. You write down all the specs you need...

- dual core processor

- at least 120 GB of HDD

- at least 2 GB of RAM

- built in webcam

- 802.11 b/g/n wireless standards

- sleek design

- portable

- not heavy on the budget

- not a burden on my shoulders

as opposed to...

- can multitask and balance love/family/career/personal/social life

- at least an I.Q. of 140 or should be sensible enough / does not talk in baroque, trying hard English / and if he does, not in front of my friends please!

- should have enough memory to remember dates, anniversaries, special occasions, memorable moments

- faithful, faithful, faithful

- presentable ehem... i'm no longer looking for washboard abs but why not...

- should have his own money, must be working, i'm not a sugar mommah

- should not add complications to my uber-complicated life

Oh well.

Wanna know how the search ended?

I didn't find a boyfriend (i thought i was close to finding one but turns out he lacks balls) but I did find a laptop. It's an Asus A8LE and I'm loving it. So for now, I'd be glad to settle : )