Runaway

In life, make sure you are running towards something, not away from something.

I spent the rainy Wednesday morning curled up in bed, texting and reading Nights in Rodanthe by NIcholas Sparks. I came across that line, and just had to stop. I put down the book and just breathed a heavy sigh.

I am always running away from people, situations and even memories. For me, the best way to handle difficult times is not to handle them at all. Run away, pretend they don't exist, change numbers, do not talk to them, fool myself and go on with life tucking away all that's bothering me in a trunk already flowing with those that I have hidden before.

CONFESSIONS

This year was a year of hide and seek for me, I was always on the go (as usual), moving from place to place, running away from people. I quit my job at Sykes (a great company) because I wanted to run away from someone and thought that this would be the best thing for us. When tragedy happened, I walked out from it and told myself, it never did. I had a row with my sister, and for several months now, I have been trying to pretend that my sister doesn't exist (how stupid!). I met someone, worked at a new company - Siemens, I got depressed but I didn't want to cry or worry. I just wanted to move on and get on with life. I quit my job and just ignored whatever was happening with my life. Now, I am at NuComm, a new company with new people around me. I am not here because I wanted to be here, I just didn't want to be in the same place. (Aside from having fun,) I went out on dates, went partying and met new people not to look for someone but to forget someone. Now, I know why it never worked out.

I never wanted to stay. I just wanted to run away.

I guess, that is the reason why time passes me by without really knowing where to go to. But my life has not been stagnant, it has been in constant and rapid motion. I have lots of things going on around me and I can definitely say that I am not in the same place I was before. I have changed but I was driven by the wrong reasons, I have been fighting for the wrong side all this time.

Carefree - that's what they call me. My mantra is, "throw away your worries and keep your fingers crossed that they will disappear in time." Sometimes, it works but I realized I have to grow up and take charge of my life. Stop hoping that God will have mercy on me, or my family will rescue me in the ravine of my own land, or that one day it will go forgotten. I know being worry-less is a fun way to live. But flowers never bloom with the sun alone. We all need a little rain sometimes... and this time, I am not throwing anything but my umbrella and I will let myself be drenched in the rain.

early mid-life crisis

Who said that life crisis are for only those who have thinning hairs, immaculate baby fats and boring jobs? Why isn't there an early20s life crisis or at least a mid 20s one? Surely, the earlier we start the faster we can get it resolved (statistically speaking).

Having a crisis is good in a way. You've got an excuse to be upset, to be not so nice, to be late for work (I hope my boss doesnt read this), to book a 5000-buck massage charged to your Visa card, to stay locked up in your room without your Mom screaming at you every 5 minutes, to go to Panglao without asking permission from anyone, to shop and have an emergency full-wardrobe change, to have your nails done every other day or so... that is if you are Zobel/Ayala/Cojuangco's relative to the 6th degree. You may even have a chance to sleep at their guestroom. sabi nga sa Bergdorf Blondes - beyond!!!

But for an average working girl like me who only gets 18,000 a month minus taxes, toiletries, groceries, Mom/younger bro/youngest bro/nieces commission/facial/plus other kupits the most you can do is stay in your room, eat chippy, be late for work and be fired, meetup with your friends and cry over coffee while endlessly ranting why there are gays who are happily living with a straight gorgeous guy (maybe they are rich or better with heads) - going thru a crisis is such a terrible terrible thing. It's like going thru a... well, a crisis for that matter. And when you get so clinically depressed you want to literally delete your friends - in friendster, multiply, myspace, hi5 and all social/sexual/mental networking sites known to man. In short you just want to be invisible or sabi nga sa Tagalog... kung pwede lang lamunin ako ng lupa. But then again that would be so unchic. I'd rather be the invisible girl and sneak into Piolo Pascual's room and watch him all night longggg... now that would be a more dignified way to go through this.

So... here I am trying to pick myself up. I want to gather all my scattered pieces and dump them all in one place so that I can sort things easier. Hopefully I will overcome another challenege in this life and emerge more beautiful than ever.

Just like what they say, from tragedy comes beauty. I say from crisis comes a beauty queen er... something like that. Move over mid-life crisis!

Kanlungan

ang dilim ang aking liwanag

at ang buwan ang aking araw

humihigop, ako'y nalulunod

sa limot ng pangako

tila isang islang nilamon ng karagatan...

ang dilim ang aking liwanag

at ang dapithapon ay bukang-liwayway

nagaanyaya, nangaakit

ng isang umagang

papawi sa hapdi ng gabi...

ang dilim ang aking liwanag

at dito ako'y nararapat

pagkat ang dilim ang aking kanlungan

pagkat sa dilim ay kung saan ang alaala mo'y naroon

ang iyong himig ang katahimikan

at ang tibok ng iyong puso ang siyang papawi

sa liwanag

sa liwanag kung saan ika'y wala na...

Bilanggo

para kay kuya manuel na nagbigay inspirasyon sa talatang ito.

Paalis ako papauntang Baguio dala-dala ang maletang hiniram ko kay Allan na ang laman ay puro miniskirt at shorts (dahil naniniwala ako sa kasabihang pack light na ako din naman ang nagimbento). Nadaanan ko si Kuya Manuel umiinom dun sa kanto.

"Makikipagdate ka na naman," ang sabi niya.

"Hindi noh. Papasok ako sa opisina," palusot ko. Kahit na alam na ng buong baranggay sa min na tuluyan na kong nagretiro sa pagiging "kolgirl".

Bakit nga ba ako tinamad sa pagtratrabaho? Yun ang tinatanong ko sa aking sarili habang inaakyat namin ang ecotrail sa Camp John Hay. Rasyonal ba ang dahilan ko? Dahil lang sa batugan ako at ayaw ko ng magtrabaho? O marahil ayokong makulong sa isang mundong puno ng bawal kung saan bawat galaw at pindot mo sa telepono ay narerekord, bawat cr at lunch break ay inoorasan at bawat salita ay dapat naayon sa "call flow". Siguro nga.

Sabi nga nila masyado kong mahal ang aking kalayaan. At bakit hindi, ipinaglaban pa yan nila Rizal at Bonifacio at maging ng mga ninuno nating nawalan na ng mukha at pangalan. Hindi ba't nararapat lang na ipagpatuloy ang laban? Makibaka para sa kalayaan! (Patalsikin si Gloria!!!)

Subalit ngayon, pagkalipas ng labingsiyam na araw kong pagiging istambay, limang araw ng bakasyon sa Baguio, anim na oras pagkagaling sa Laguna at Tagaytay, apatnaputpitong minuto matapos kong malaman na patay na si Kuya Manuel ay napagmunimuni ko na ako'y nagkamali rin. Ang kalayaan hindi natatamo sa pagtalikod sa digmaan. Hindi rin nakukuha o naibabalik. Hindi dahil istambay ka ay malaya ka na. Hindi naman dun natatapos ang mga bawal sa mundo. Walang taong ipinanganak na malaya. Hindi pa nga tayo naisisilang bilanggo na tayo ng pangarap ng ating mga magulang. "Tong anak kong to, magiging boksingero to pag laki kagaya ni Manny at ibibili ako ng mansyon at magagarang auto." Bilanggo na tayo ng ating pangalan at apelyido, kasarian, bansa, relihiyon, kultura at kung anu-ano pang tanikala. Bilanggo na tayo bago pa man naging tao at marahil ang mundong ito ang ating Bilibid.

Kaya para sa iyo Kuya Manuel na madalas kong makita sa kanto, umiinom o minsan naman ay nagpapaypay ng barbeque - maswerte ka. Laya ka na.

My Last Goodbye

for alex

I'm tired of pretending
that you'll come back one day
tired of saying
you always wanted to stay
i've counted so many nights
by myself
left out in our past

I'm sick of waiting
for the letters that never came
i'm scared of finding
that this is all just a game
i've died a million times
with this pain
do you even care?

And i keep telling myself
this is going to be my last goodbye
I keep telling my friends
this is going to be my one last cry
but everytime i wake up
i give it another try
I just can't say goodbye
to that one person in my life
I cant give up
why can't i?

I'm tired of hoping
that tomorrow will get better
that you'll come back
and promise forever
how can i not be trapped
when you're my only
way out

Just as a flower craves for rain
i yearn for your flood
to take me away...