The Kikay Mountaineer Part 1

I never thought that I’d be keen on hiking mountains; the dusty sometimes moist earth clinging to every exposed part of my skin, the seemingly endless trail, hours of asking “malayo pa ba?”, the blazing sun rays that my SPF50 sunblock has no match against, my fear of heights, getting lost and anything and everything that crawls and has tiny feet as well as my excessive request for pitstops create a weird juxtaposition with that of my usual self.

When I told a close friend I was going to hike she virtually laughed at me.

I, too, laughed at myself at first. I never imagined myself as a mountaineer mainly because I lack the proper attire. I only have one pair of rubber shoes (something that I was forced to buy when I signed up for Fitness First). Everything else in my shoe cabinet are high heels, stilettos, pumps, peep-toe sandals... well, you got the idea. I didn’t have a loose shirt, hiking shorts or a backpack. I had to borrow stuff from my brothers to their dismay. Also, I have a weak lung, knees, legs and feet. My biological composition was not made for this kind of stuff. I love virtual shopping, dining, watching movies, reading books, getting a massage and everything that spells relaxation (and boring to some). I don’t like sweating too much and getting dirty. For a couple of years, I didn’t have any sports aside from shopping and Dance Dance Revolution and I was physically unfit to the 100^th power.

In fact, a year ago I went on a trip with my friend to Calaruega – the chapel on the hill. It was a hill and for Pete’s sake – I couldn’t even manage to hike and reach the summit. Instead, I wished my friend good luck, told her to take lots of pictures while I ended up lying on the grass with a good book.

But fate has its way of finding me (naks!). My first brush with hiking came when I dated a nature lover in the middle of 2009. I remember him asking me to go out on a surprise date. He specifically requested for me to wear a short skirt. Eager to please my man, I did wear a short skirt complete with platform heels only to find out (surprise surprise!) that he was taking me to the National Museum, Rizal Park and Intramuros. Nakakaloka talaga, naglakad ako ng nakaheels at mini skirt sa Luneta of all places at kebago bago ng sandals ko napudpod agad ang takong! For a few seconds, I was scared that Jose Rizal will haunt me in my dreams. I considered dumping the guy right then and there but being the forgiving kind-hearted woman that I am, I gave him a second chance. On our next trip, he took me to a nice beach and I almost considered it a relaxing weekend until the next day when he at 12 NOON asked me to go hiking. When I refused, he called me lazy so I convinced myself to take the challenge, put on tons of sunblock and eventually gave in. I was burnt so bad after two hours of walking plus he jokingly called me "negra" on the way back. I didn’t talk to him for weeks after that and eventually broke up with him. I asked myself why I always attract the wrong kind of guys and prayed hard for God to let me find a guy who goes to a spa every week and only plays chess as his sport.

I almost did. Almost.

of risks and taking chances

Whenever I make a tough decision in life, I always think about this – is the gain worth more than what I am risking?

But life’s such a bitch on me so I have to think about it harder. What if the thing you are risking is already out there in the open and you are just holding on to an eeny teeny bit of hope? What if life asks you to finally let go of that final piece, else you lose everything you are about to gain? Would you finally let go? Or would you throw everything away to hold on to that small glimmer of hope?

Even if it doesn't promise anything. Because it's just what it is -

Hope.

The Warrior and the Child

So many things have happened these past few months which is why I decided to change my blog layout. It's still messed up though and my new header is the most I can do with my (limited) Photoshop skills hahaha. Anyway, I'm back to writing and can't wait to start posting new updates about my rollercoaster of a life. Here is the last piece I wrote before I went on a hiatus. I'm sire you'd figure out after reading this piece why I needed to get away...

April 1, 2009 was one of worst days in my life. I found myself running in 3-inch stilettos in front of Mercury Drugs not knowing where to go. I felt so helpless as panic engulfed logic. I still am not ready to write about what transpired that night but all I know is that it changed my life. I now found that invisible ink flowing from my veins to my pen. Now I know I won’t be writing in vain.

I went there not knowing what my main purpose was. I just felt like it was the best thing to do. Perhaps I was seeking refuge or just a mere sign of sympathy. I still shiver with fear just thinking about how I managed to escape but at the same time felt overwhelming gratitude just for being alive. I was obviously torn.

She was seated across me; her eyes big and questioning that I couldn’t help but come out of my invisible shield. I smiled at her and she smiled back, shyly. I excused myself and went out. She immediately followed.

“What’s your name?” I asked.

“Daffodil.”

“That’s a nice name. I’m also named after a flower. I’m Rose.”

She fidgeted with my bag while I heard a woman’s stifled cry in the other room. I presume it’s her Mom. Good thing, the little girl did not notice. I shouldn’t let her.

“Do you like to dance?”

“No.”

“Ahhh… you like to sing then.”

She nodded eagerly.

“Who’s your favorite singer? Sarah Geronimo?”

“No, I don't like her songs. I like the song ‘I believe’”.

“What’s that?”

She started to sing in her sweet little voice, “I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside…”

The usually glum and dark room seemed to lit up, filled with a hopeful melody. I didn’t shed a single tear throughout the terrible incident nor even after it. But as I found myself singing with her, my tears fell down - one by one.

“Give them a sense of pride to make it easier. Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be…”

It was the same song I used to sing as a child. It was my favorite. And hearing it now, sung by a four-year old seemed to me as more of a coincidence.

“The greatest love of all is easy to achieve – learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.”

I was speechless for quite some time. I couldn’t believe that there I was, defeated with distress and self-pity being rescued by a four-year old girl. I was so messed up and almost giving up but she was still full of hope. I felt like a child again – seeing with her eyes. The world was perfect and I was safe and protected in a shell of parental love. How I wish it was still the case for the both of us.

She waved goodbye as I tried to force a smile. I wished things could have been different – for her and for me. I wished nightmares didn’t come to life and children are spared of life’s cruelties. I wish we can go through this and emerge unbroken and strengthened. How I wished I met her at a different place. I wished as hard as I could - I wished for her more than for me.

After filing my case, I walked out of CIDG’s Women and Children’s Protection Division - a place filled with women and children who are physically and sexually violated. I went there not knowing what my main purpose was. What I didn’t know was in that desolate room often filled with shattered dreams and defeated spirits, is where I will find one of my life’s purposes. After hearing Daffodil's story - how she was sexually abused in her own home, I found the strength to carry on and start all over. God has led me there and sent His angel to help me realize the reason behind it all.

For the first time after the incident, I felt a sense of peace as Daffodil’s gentle voice continued to echo in my mind.

Up, Up and Away

I didn't want to watch Up at first, despite of the good reviews I've read about the movie. But after my friend promised that we will watch Time Traveler's Wife next Sunday, I finally agreed.

The movie tells the story of a quiet boy named Carl who meets a rather aggressive girl named Ellie. Together, they both dreamed of an elusive adventure that they always seemed to put off until Carl outlived Ellie (this is the hearbreaking part). Finally, he decided to chase their dream and found something more than he hoped for.

Up is as enchanting as it is inspring. It made me want to break out of my cynic shell and just take that first step to making my ultimate dream come true but at the same time, it taught me not to be afraid to make new dreams. It's definitely a must watch. The best movie from Pixar so far. And oh, I was deeply touched that I was inspired to make a poem. Warning: it's kinda cheesy.

Paradise Falls

You came like a dream

Vanished before I've seen

The wonders you brought to me

Went as quickly as a breeze

I hold on to what was left

I screamed 'til I'm out of breath

I closed my eyes and tried to pretend

That you'll hold me until the end

Though I know I have to let go...

I'll never be lost

As long as I follow my paradise falls

I'll chase wherever my heart goes

Until I arrive at paradise falls

I'll take that step away from you

I won't be scared to dream a dream or two

Like a bird that escaped from my grasp

I watch as you spread your wings at last...

Because I'll never be lost

As long as I follow my paradise falls

Oh, paradise falls

I'll see you at paradise falls...

Ako Naman

Ngayon ang unang araw nya sa eskwela. Bakas sa kanyang mukha ang magkahalong sabik at takot. “Kinakabahan ka ba? Okey lang yan. Ganyan din ako dati,” sambit kong may ngiti sa mga labi habang hawak ko ang kanyang kamay. Naalala ko nung unang araw ko sa kindergarten – gabi pa lang hinanda na ni Nanay ang uniporme ko, sapatos, bag at lahat ng kailangan ko sa eskwelahan. Araw-araw hanggang sa nakatapos ako ng hayskul, gumigising siya kasabay ko. Siya pa ang nagsusuot sa akin ng medyas at sapatos. Naiiyak ako ng di ko mawari. Ganito pala ang pakiramdam. Ako naman ngayon.

***
“Nanay, basahin natin ‘tong Sleeping Be... be...a...u...ti. Turuan mo na kasi kong mag-Ingles,” pangungulit ko sa aking inay. Masipag akong magaral noong ako’y bata pa pero ang pinakahilig ko ay magbasa – ng malakas! Iniiba-iba ko pa ang boses ko noon lalo na pag nagbabasa ako ng Funny komiks; nagboboses bata ako, boses matanda, boses robot, boses butiki.

“Si Tatay ang magtuturo sa iyong mag-Ingles,” sabay turo nya sa aking Tatay na agad namang kukuha ng libro at tatawagin ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ayaw na akong turuan ni Nanay samantalang siya ang nagturo sa akin ng abakada at pagbibilang. Siguro dahil masyado siyang abala sa pagluluto.

Hanggang sa makarating ako ng unang baitang. Medyo bihasa na kong mag-Ingles noon ngunit doon din nagsimulang dumalang ang pagtuturo sa kin ni Nanay. Ngunit lagi nya pa din akong pinapabasa ng libro at tuwing hapon ay parang Martial Law dahil bawal manood ng TV hangga’t hindi natatapos ang takdang-aralin. Nagbunga naman lahat ng iyon dahil lagi akong naguuwi ng medalya. Tuwang tuwa ako pag nakikita ko ang ngiti sa mukha ni Nanay, pagkatapos noon ay bibilhan niya ako ng hamburger o di kaya’y sosorpresahin ng bagong mga libro.

Nasa ikatlong baitang ako noon, mahigpit ang kompetisyon sa klase. Nakakatawa mang isipin ngayon, umiiyak ako kapag hindi ako nakakakuha ng kompletong marka sa mga pagsusulit. Naalala ko isang beses, magpapasa kami ng proyekto noon sa Hekasi, ngunit hindi ko natapos. Ayoko nang pumasok noon dahil wala akong ipapasa pero sabi ni Nanay ay tatapusin niya daw at ihahatid sa eskwelahan ng umaga ding iyon. Nagantay ako buong umaga, tingin ako ng tingin sa bintana. Hanggang sa sinabi ng guro namin, “Ipasa niyo na ang mga proyekto niyo. Ang tatlong pinakamaganda ay isasabit natin sa harap.” Pakiramdam ko noon ay maiihi ako sa salawal ko. Bakit hindi dumating si Nanay?

Nung umuwi ako ng hapon na iyon ay padabog kong sinara ang pinto at hinagis ang baunan ko sa lamesa. Binali ko din ang headband na binili ni Nanay sa inis ko. Hindi ko siya kinausap ng isang araw. Pero deadma lang siya. Hindi man lang nagsorry.

Nakapagtapos ako ng elementarya sa loob lamang ng limang taon at sa limang taon na iyon ay nagkaroon ako ng 18 medalya. Naging iskolar ako nung hayskul at sa awa ng Diyos ay nagtapos bilang valedictorian. Ang saya saya ko noon. Pakiramdam ko, ako ang pinakamatalino sa buong mundo. Paguwi namin ni Nanay ay sinorpresa nila ako ng engrandeng handaan. Andun ang lolo’t lola ko pati na din ang iba naming kamaganak.

“Ipakita mo sa kanila ang mga medalya mo,” panghihikayat ni Nanay.

Hinalungkat ko ang pinakamalaking aparador sa bahay kung saan nilalagay ni Nanay ang lahat ng mga importanteng kagamitan. Lagi niyang pinapaalala sa akin ang importansya ng edukasyon. Tinuturing niyang totoong ginto ang mga medalyang tanso lang naman talaga.

Palabas na sana ako ng mahagip ng aking mga mata ang isang kumpol ng mga papel na naninilaw at halatang luma na. Binuklat ko ito – ang aking proyekto sa Hekasi! Bakit nandito ito? Siguro nakalimutan ni Nanay na ihatid ito noon. Tinignan ko isa isa ang mga pahina at di ko napigilang humanga sa aking sulatkamay. Aba’y lagi pa nga akong pinupuri ng mga guro ko noon dahil napakahusay ko daw sumulat. Ngunit nakita ko ang mga sumunod na mga pahina... tila ba isinulat ng isang batang nagsisimula pa lamang magaral; naghalo ang mga malilit at malalaking letra at mali mali pa nga ang ibang mga salita. Bigla na lang tumulo ang mga luha ko. Eto pala ang dahilan kung bakit hindi niya ibinigay sa akin.

Ang nanay ng pinakamatalinong bata sa buong mundo ay hindi pala marunong magsulat.

***

Kahit mahirap lang kami, nakapagtapos ako ng abogasya at ngayon ay isa na sa pinakamatagumpay na abogada sa lungsod. Hinding hindi ko makakalimutan ang mga natutunan ko sa eskwelahan at higit sa lahat ang natutunan ko kay Nanay. Sinabi ko noon, darating ang araw na ako naman. At ngayon ang araw na iyon. Tuluyan na ngang dumaloy ang pinipigil kong mga luha habang pinagmamasdan si Nanay papasok sa kanyang klase.

Ako naman ngayon, Nanay.

Me, My Mom, Aunt and Ate

This is for my Mom- a story inspired by her. I hope someday she'd get to read it.

I have to say that my Dad couldn't have picked a better wife and my Dad's relatives couldn't hate her more. You see, my paternal Grandma's side was very matapobre. Naalala ko nung minsang naguwi ng babae ang pinsan ko sa ancestral house namin sa Pangasinan, hindi pa nakakaupo yung babae eh pinaalis na ng lola at mga tiyahin ko dahil mukha daw "golddigger at squatter". At least I have an idea kung kanino ako nagmana (sa panglalait lang ha).

Growing up, nakita ko kung pano maliitin ang nanay ko ng mga kamaganak namin dahil Grade 2 lang ang tinapos niya. Kasalanan ba niya kung maaga silang naulila at walang mga kamaganak na tumulong sa kanila? Ilang beses kong narinig na sinabihan siya ng "walang pinagaralan" kahit ng pinsan kong babae na kaedad ko lang. By the way, it only proves that education cannot buy class and good manners. Mahirap makita kung paano siya api-apihin habang wala ka namang magawa para ipagtanggol siya. Ano bang magagawa ko noon kundi tumahimik at pigilin ang pagiyak? Pero sinabi ko sa sarili ko, "P*tang ina niyong lahat makikita niyo balang araw..."

Now, me and my sister are having her home-schooled and I consider it one of my greatest achievements. Tuwang tuwa ako lalo na kapag sinasabihan ko siyang bawal manood ng Tayong Dalawa hangga't hindi tapos ang assignment niya. Hehehe... aba'y pagkakataon ko na ding gumanti.

Long Live the King! Long Live Love!

I never thought that I'd write a post for Michael Jackson. Not that I think he is un-postworthy, it's just that I know everyone's been writing about him the past few days and are very emotional about his death. I'm not a cold heartless bitch but I didn't think I could give Michael Jackson as much outpouring of emotions as other does. And I don't want to write about him just for the sake of writing about him. I don't write about anything unless I am utterly, greatly, moved.

I do consider him an ICON. Although I'm not that musically inclined, I tried to reach the higher notes of I'll Be There and You Are Not Alone as a kid. And I did, at one point in my life, try to imitate the moonwalk in vain. I mean, who didn't? I'm sure everyone tried to be a Michael Jackson at one point or another. And I'm not just talking about his creative talents.

As a kid, I idolized him and as an adult I tried to understand his actions. Everyone criticized what he's done to his physical appearance - lighter skin, thinner nose, deeper-set eyes and heaven knows what else. We all know it's a plastic surgery that went wrong but maybe (and my guess is just as good as yours) underneath all the facade is just a simple person trying to fit in a crowd - a kid trying so hard to please everyone. Just like me, just like you and just like everyone else.

I remember Michael Jackson, I remember "The Way You Make Me Feel" and I remember him changing the music industry and culture, as well. But what I won't forget, is him being a father (biological or not) who brought his daughter to great tears in his funeral.

At last I could say - I was utterly, greatly, moved.

To The One Who Stil Holds My Heart

>it's amazing how one person can break your heart
but more amazing that you still love him with all the little broken pieces...
this is just a very simple poem
but it's everything I have to say

Just the way he laughs
make me smile
The stars will be shamed
With the twinkle in his eyes
I’m at my happiest in his arms
And his voice caresses me like a child.
He tells me I’m beautiful
the best thing that happened to his life
He makes me at ease and comfortable
That I don’t have to pretend otherwise.
He calms my irrational fears
He never made me shed a tear
He holds my hand
And everything becomes clear.
He is my guiding star,
My angel in the dark.
He is my soulmate.
He is my heart.

Independence Day

Two things I rarely talk about - religion and politics. Not because it doesn't interest me but on the contrary, I feel strongly about these things. And I don't want to be like the rest of the imposing crowd who shove their opinions in others’ mouths. I definitely won’t do that BUT thanks to my blog, I can still voice out my POV.

I was in 2nd year high school when we had our debate in Social Studies: parliamentary vs. presidential system of governance. I forgot on which side I was but one of my main arguments was that it does not matter what political system we have. The power has always been in the hands of the masses. We had a revolutionary government, heck – even a dictatorial one and we endured both. I always believed we can survive in spite of whatever type of government we have. Unfortunately, I can’t say if that is still the case.

After EDSA I, came EDSA 2 which I think was a total disaster, after it was EDSA 3 which was an even more disastrous idea. Not only did those conniving bastards used the legacy of the first EDSA revolution for their own selfish intentions, they also ruined a Philippine honor. What sets apart EDSA I from its contemporaries was the very reason it existed. Filipinos were fighting for freedom - not for a politician, not for a political party, not for a political agenda. Not for anything but freedom.

Now, almost every rally has a political motive behind it. Majority of the people participate not because they’re fighting for their ideals but because they are promised a measly 300 pesos for their attendance (based on first-hand experience). Should we blame the users or the ones who allow themselves to be used?

What’s killing the country is not the constitutional change but the lack of our nation’s decent leaders and the good judgment of its followers. The rest just don’t care and they’re just as appalling. We’re all waiting for a Rizal or Bonifacio incarnate. But why do we need to wait when we can be the next one?

It all starts with a little step.

Perhaps, a step as little such as writing a blog about it.

I AM GROW UP

Warning: If you think I am referring to you, I probably am. So please, spare yourself the humiliation.

Note: I wrote this in my journal and reading it now, made me laugh like crazy so I just thought I would share. This is how bitchy I can get (sometimes ^__^). Forgive my arrogance.

Aaminin ko, hindi ako super ganda. Siguro minsan, kapag tipong pinalantsa yung buhok ko, nagmake up at nagdamit ng medyo sexy, I can make heads turn. But on an average day - buhaghag na buhok, namamagang eyebags at haggardness na, I doubt kung kahit magbobote eh papansinin ako.

Pero more than physical beauty, I take pride in knowing that I am smart. I was accelerated in elementary, studied in a science school in the metro, a lady engineer, freelance writer and sige na nga tama na at baka sabihin niyo nagyayabang ako.

At siyempre, the first thing I look for in a partner is yung may utak din. Hindi lahat ng naging boyfriend ko gwapo, pero lahat sila matalino. From the history of China to Coloumb's law of Electromagnetics - I learned it all from my exes. Kaya naman ng nakilala ko si Jon, nawindang ang lola niyo.

"Hmm, baka naman sa English lang siya bobo? Malay mo magaling sa Math?

Let's just put it this way. Mahina yung pick up niya. Like I have to explain everything. Kahit na tagalog pa.

"Well, siguro mahina lang siya sa logic. Pabayaan mo na, gwapo naman eh."

Yun lang. Super gwapo niya; maputi, may dimples sa magkabilang pisngi, matangos ang ilong, maganda ang katawan. A total eyecandy. At sabi nga nila - the best accessory is a gorgeous boyfriend. Kaso lang, just like what his other girlfriend said, "Pwede nang pangdisplay, wag mo lang pagsasalitain."

And yup, bobo na siya babaero pa. But, we'll get to that later.

I remember, nagulat na lang ako at may mga picture comments ako sa friendster. Wow, it nice post!

Nung una hindi ko magets. Poste ba? Wala namang poste sa picture ah. Or yung picture caption na pinost ko sa taas?

Hi. Thanks for your comments. Not sure what you mean though.

YOUR so pretty and POST is perfect. You can be a model.

Ah ok. Pose pala. I didn't attempt to correct him kasi hindi pa naman kami close at mukhang hindi naman siya masyado mahilig magenglish. Nung first time naming magusap sa phone, thank heavens at hindi niya ko pinakitaan ng kanyang eloquence.

Days went by. We dated hanggang sa sinagot ko na siya. Overall, he is nice naman; marunong makisama, masipag sa bahay, matiyaga, maasikaso. And our conversations progressed naman kahit paano. Kung dati puro what is your favorite color lang, napagusapan na din namin yung family issues, friendship, work, etc. Though it's not as educational or as profound, at least we can share each other's POVs.

Kaso may mga times talaga na sablay siya eh. And I was able to prove na hindi lang talaga siya mentally ungifted sa English, mababa talaga ang kanyang I.Q.

Isang araw, nanood kami ng sine - I forgot na what the movie was. All the time, he was checking my phone for text messages, I wasn't checking his. And it's not because hindi ako selosa.

"Teka bakit ba kanina ka pa check ng check ng phone ko ha. Patingin nga ng phone mo!"

"Lowbat nga eh tignan mo o ayaw mag on."

At dinemonstrate niya pa. He pressed on power and totoo nga ayaw mag on. But I snatched his phone away from his hands.

"Anong lowbat? Eh tinanggal mo ata ang battery nito eh!" I took the battery cover off and guess what - wala ngang battery.

"Please lang wag mo kong gagawin tanga dahil mataas ang IQ ko." Sabay walk out sa sinehan.

That night sorry siya ng sorry at kesyo magpapakamatay daw siya and other stupid pananakot. Okay, another chance then. After all, pinapasaya niya naman ako.


Babe, nagPERTO na ko ng PISH.


Oo na, 29 na ko. MADANDAN na ko.

*after a few minutes...

Ay, matanda pala.


Sige na HAPOY na ko, ashhole, gago, DECKHEAD.


Babe, tignan mo 'tong picture. Jan yung pinuntahan namin na RESORTS.


I don't wanna BUDTHER you anymore. Sorry if I BUDTHERED you. I'll let you go... but you'll always be TATTOO on my mind.


I used to be a cheater but NOT NOW ANYMORE.


Bat ba hindi ka nagttext? Don't EGNORE me naman. Basta sundo kita sa GREENHELS mamya.


Babe, hindi ako nakapagtext sau kanina. Hinimatay kc ako at dinala sa ospital

O__O'


I once told him, "Please, stop making stupid excuses. It's either intelligent excuses or no excuses at all."

To which he answered, "Huh anong excuse me? Wala naman akong sinabing excuse me ah."

Minsan, gusto ko na talagang tumumbling but nahawa na ata ako ng kabobohan sa kanya. I couldn't let him go. Sayang, super gwapo kasi niya (kung gusto niyo ng pic para patunay just PM me).

So, I offered to tutor him. Absolutely for free! Sagot ko pa merienda. Hayyy. Nagbabakasali ako na baka may pagasa pang magimprove ang kanyang mental capacity. After all, he's just 29 at siguro naman may humihinga pa siyang mga brain cells somewhere in between his ears.

Pero wala ding kwenta.

At wala talaga siyang kwenta because I found out that he cheated on me. And he cheated on me the week before Christmas. He spent Christmas with the girl. I knew because I saw the pics in his phone. And todo deny pa siya sa obvious. Andun na nga yung hard-core evidence. Kesyo nagpose lang daw sila in front of the Christmas tree sa Trinoma at nagloloko yung phone niya kaya Dec 25 ang date.

After all I did to him - kahit na lagi akong nagnonose bleed. Aarrrghhhh!

But he came back to me (as expected).

He called me one day saying that he was sorry and that he wanted to make it up to me. He realized that he really loved me at nadala lang daw siya ng selos.

I do admit, I was tempted to take him back. After all, I was used to being with him. In the three months that we were together, araw araw kami magkasama - we would jog in the morning, then he would take me to work, we'd text nonstop in those few hours we're not together, then he would pick me up from work everyday kahit na 5 AM ang out ko at imbiyerna ang mga best friends ko sa kanya. But I felt like I couldn't take it anymore.

"Jon, those few days we were apart - I realized a lot of things. I never cheated on you, I tried so hard to be a good girlfriend. May pagkukulang din ako, I was childish and I was a brat but you can never justify what you did. And this is not the first time it happened. Lagi na lang kitang pinapatawad."

"Babe mahal na mahal kita. Gagawin ko lahat..."

By this time, todo emote na talaga ko..."I don't know. Maybe I need to grow up, you need to grow up... We both need to grow up..."

"I AM GROW UP!"

Toinks! That was exactly what I needed. Then, I started laughing as in yung tawa na parang bruha.

"Bat ka tumatawa?"

"Mali yung English mo eh."

"I am grown... I grow... I have g-gro... I am matured, babe! Matured na ko!!!"

But I wasn't. I started laughing more.

"Ayan, sige pagtawanan mo ko. Akala mo ba hindi ko alam na lagi mo kong minamata? Oo na, bobo na ko. Hindi ako kasing talino mo eh.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh.”

Teka lang at bakit ako ang nagsosorry sa kanya?

“You know what? Aaminin ko you are not that mentally endowed. And maybe I am at fault dahil pinagtatawanan kita sometimes. Most of the time, pinipigilan ko naman eh. I never compared your intelligence with mine. There’s no use at all. And it’s not just because of your grammar or the way you pronounce words like the way you say pish instead of fish. Alam mo kung anong pinakabobong ginawa mo – yung saktan at lokohin ako.”

And ironically, that's when the tears started to flow while I whispered to myself... pero mas bobo ako dahil minahal kita...

Cold Summer Nights

In case you've wondered why I haven't updated my blog for a month now - I have been so busy trying to figure things out. Aside from rubbing elbows with death, I'm also trying my best to go back to my normal life and forget that very tragic night which I'll write about when I'm ready. I reckon I'm pretty much back to perfect shape but every now and then... the nightmares come back to visit.

Anyway, it has helped a lot that I went on a summer vacation with my best friends Marvin and Joe and my adorable brother, Rommel. Sadly, on our first day in Puerto Galera, we heard that a motorboat sank and 12 people died. We could have been on the same boat. I'm glad we weren't because only Marvin and Rommel know how to swim. I also kind of know how to, like I can float for a few seconds, but when someone talks to me, I swear I'll start sinking.

funny friendly faces

On a lighter note, we had a blast! Kebabs, mindoro fling er-- mindoro sling, kahlua, barbeques, sinigang, grilled squid, gays dancing, fruit shakes, hot guys and girls (for Rommel) were all over the place. I had a massage right by the beach and had my hair braided. I skipped the henna tattoo or else I'll be enticed to get a real one. Our mornings were spent taking hilarious pictures and nights were for dancing like crazy. Of course, people looked at us all the time like as if we got out of some mental institutions but we're used to it. Really.

my brother said he's glad we don't look alike so he can deny I'm his sister in case I do something stupid

One of those nicer shots

I had a hard time trying to suck all my stomach in




the jump shots (Rommel was laughing at us all the time)




My FHM shot hehe. Of course it's photoshopped




taken before we left our room




Here's to hoping I don't get too dark




and lastly, my favorite picture of the bunch - taken to remind someone what he's missing. Did I sense some bitterness there? lol