Chances and What Ifs

First of all, let me warn you that this is going to be a very mushy post.

I am never a fan of Filipino movies just because I think that most Pinoy movies rely on the star factor rather than the quality of the story and the script itself. But I have to say now that I guess I was… wrong.

I guess I was just being a little crazy. Otherwise, who would have come home at 5 am from a night out, drunk and totally wasted and still have a couple of hours more to spare? Adding the fact that the same person just had her eyelash extension a few days back and is not allowed to cry?

So, let me rephrase that – I am crazy.

I watched One More Chance. Yes, that’s the Bea – John Lloyd movie. I am not a fan of Bea and most especially not that of John Lloyd. But I still watched it just for the sake of killing time.

Never did I think it would have such effect on me.

Feb 8, 2001

He was wearing a gray buttoned up shirt with a dragon print on the front. He was with a friend, standing at the front of Kawilihan Bakery in Anonas. He let out a smile and immediately walked up to me, held my hand and kissed me on the cheeks. He had the look of a schoolboy going gaga over his crush. But he wasn’t a schoolboy anymore. He was 23 years old. And I was not just a crush. I was his girlfriend who turned 16 that day.

I was at my happiest with him. Those were the days I thought and hoped would never end. We practically spent everyday together and looked forward to more. He was my first boyfriend, my best friend, my companion and jack of all trades.

But at one point, I became overwhelmed with too much love. I needed space - lots of it. I needed time – away from him. I started taking our relationship for granted and became consumed with the thoughts of “what if”.

What if he wasn’t always at my side, will I become more independent?

What if he wasn’t there to guide me, will I find my way on my own?

What if he wasn’t there to tell me what to do, will I be able to make my own choices?

What if there was no us, would there be more of me?

The thoughts haunted me, until one day I grew tired of thinking about “what ifs” and decided to know “what is” (I borrowed that line from Basha).

And so - I broke up with him.

Aug 23, 2008

Now, here I am after 7 years. I am no longer the 16-year old girl and he is no longer the 23-year old guy who used to be the only man in my life. I am no longer innocent, I have experienced more than people can think I have - some are good and well, some are bad.

For 7 years, I’ve met a lot of people and there were a few wonderful persons that I’ve shared with some of the most memorable moments in my life. But the remaining pieces were all void. Most of the time, I was still lonely and I kept looking for the same kind of love we shared. The love that we had was the crazy, can’t-live-without-you-for-a-day kind of love, that sometimes it becomes unbearable.

For 7 years, I’ve been trying to find myself – what I want, where I want to go, who I want to be. It was never easier without him.

Has. Never. Been. Easier.

I know I have become stronger and wiser and more confident with life. I believe that I can stumble and fall on my knees and find the strength to stand up again. But somehow, whenever I look back – I see the 16-year old girl smiling back at me. And when I try to smile back, my heart breaks because I know that her smile is sweeter, more real and sincere.

I know that in a lot of ways, she is a lot happier than I am right now.

The past 7 years are the what-ifs that I decided to succumb to. And now I realized that I wanted to go back but I can never find my way home. The roads have changed to dead-ends and U-turns are no longer allowed.

Now, all I can do is wonder about – what if I never let him go?

Just like what he wrote a few days back… I wish we can go back to the way it was before, when the days never seemed to end. Then we wouldn’t have any regrets. Then, we wouldn’t have to carry this pain all our lives...

It’s too late now to try and fix what we had. We are both living separate lives and I could honestly wish him being happy with someone else. I have moved on. I have finally dealt with the pain of losing him and I’m now working on bringing back the courage to love again. God knows, with all the pain I’ve been through – 5 years of cursing and crying and going gaga over him I have become scared to love again and share my whole heart with someone new.

I don’t want to go through the same pain…

But I still want to know –

What if I fall in love again?